MONTESSORi vs. PiKLER

In my recent post "Montessori was right" I have mentioned how important it is to allow children to take part in our life for real, not just with plastic toys in their room. And while I'm convinced of the amazing and wonderful work of Maria Montessori and agree with what Nicole from Montessori School of Mount Pleasant and Little Learners Lodge wrote in her recent post I do think that at the age 0-3 the Pikler or RIE principles are much more valuable.

When I first heard about Montessori and Pikler I thought "Now what's actually the difference between their approaches?" and found out that Montessori mainly focused on the age group 3-6 (The Children's House) and Pikler on the age group 0-3. Then I discovered some writings and information on Montessori's thoughts on the very young infant e.g. the book "Montessori from the start" and with Leander attending a Montessori creche I figured that - in the end - both women had very similar approaches. I still believe that to be true, but I have found a few Montessori ideas to lead in the "wrong" direction.

The material
Montessori is especially known for her own special materials she has thought through and developed with a lot of experiences in mind. With most of these materials she is aiming for some skills to be achieved, sometimes in various steps, sometimes straight away. A few materials are self explaining, a few need demonstrations to the child from a teacher or caregiver. I do believe that especially at the age 0-2 this is just not necessary and partly even obstructive.
According to RIE principles what we want to "teach" a child is to be free to choose whatever he wants to play (with). Until a child can speak it is - in my opinion - much better if all the toys or materials are open (as Pikler called it), so no didactic background, no skills needed or to be achieved. Simply playing and having fun. Montessori actually said "Children can not not learn." So why go and place materails in their reach that need demonstration?
Of course it took me a while to come to that thought and I have been there myself letting Leander pour water from one jug into another or shovel beans from one bowl into the next. Of course I had to show him, if I'd only placed two jugs on a tray on the shelf he would not have known what to do with it. And of course he enjoyed it. A lot. But it was not HIS decision to play with that. It was me who asked him to, who showed him how to do it and who watched him the whole time. At this very young age (he was 18 months old) this is just not necessary. Even now (he is almost 22 months old) he is happy playing with toys that don't need explanation. He loves cars, books and small toy animals he shows to us waiting for us to say what it is. He is developing his speech more than anything at the moment, what does he need to shovel beans for?
He does learn how to use a spoon simply by using one for his meals every single day.

Another problem is that at this age children still take a lot of things into their mouth, they throw things (oh dear, when will it stop?) and they drop things on purpose (discovering physics). If you are happy collecting beans, whiping the floor, changing clothes and fishing little things out of your child's little mouth you are welcome to offer those materials. I for myself have found it too stressful for all of us.

Cooking
As mentioned before - at this age children want to take part in the household and they are very proud if they are allowed. Dusting, hoovering, helping with the laundry etc. It is all great and I can only recommend it. But the cooking - which is a great part in Montessori houses - I would postpone. It again has some aim - a proper meal. With the laundry or the dishes I don't mind if he replaces them, if he carries them around or places a cup on his head. When he hoovers he enjoys switching the hoover on and off more than actually hoovering. All fine. But when it comes to food I'm quite strict. I don't want it to be thrown, I don't want it to be wasted but I also don't want to cook a proper meal and a fake meal. So there will be so many "rules" that again I find it too much and too difficult for a child that age.Keep it simple and don't make a great effort of a simple daily task that in the end will actually have nothing to do with the task itself anymore.

Potty training
I know from the creche Leander attends that the Montessori approach is very much aiming for the independence of a child. But it goes that far that potty training is something they are quite keen on because obviously it helps with the self dependence. But this is not a skill you can practice day in day out. It is a physical development that takes time. For some children more than for others and I believe that no pressure here will lead to way more success than anything else.

Sleeping
Montessori suggests giving your child a floor bed rather than a cot as he can choose when to go to sleep and can easily climb in and out himself. Again the self dependence is the great goal behind this idea. And while I have to admit that a big bed can be very helpful and relaxing for the whole family I do believe that a child
a) needs a cozy and secure boundary around himself and
b) will not go to bed and stay there all by himself until he is sound asleep. Life is just too exciting at this age to simply lay down and sleep.
We have exchanged Leander's cot with a bunk bed where he has the mattress basically under the bed with curtains around and the actual bed is used as a big changing table. It is very very cozy, he loves it and it has proven very helpful at nights when Leander is ill or just can't get back to sleep. Because that way we simply lay down next to him and sometimes even sleep in his bed with him for a while. The down part is that he is NEVER falling asleep on his own in the evening. We have to stay with him until he is in dreamland otherwise he will just follow us back to the living room all the time. So although he might say "Brush" when he gets tired and wants to brush his teeth in order to go to bed he still wouldn't just doze off all by himself. And I have to say: That's okay! He is not even 2 years old, he needs us and we're there. So the floorbed is great if you enjoy cuddle times with your child in the evening but not with the expectation of a tired child just laying down for the night all by himself.


In general, what I do believe to be the "problem" with the Montessori pedagogy for the agegroup 0-3 is that the independence is this great expectation in the back. Every toy, every material seems to have an achievement in its description.
Especially at this age children and most parents have all the time in the world. Nobody should be rushing them, no milestone should be more important than the joy and happiness of an exploring child.

Why is my son in a Montessori creche then? By no means I am meaning to criticise the creche Leander is attending. Of all places I could leave him while I simply have to work this is the best I can think of. As I said - Montessori has a similar approach in mind - and after all the children in this creche have a lot of time for "free play" and are treated with a lot of respect. Compared to many other creches where the children are entertained all day I am very happy with the place I leave my boy in in the mornings.

I just believe that if you've got a choice or if you are at home with your child for the first few years focusing on the RIE principles rather than expensive Montessori material can be much more valuable.

PRACTiCE, PRACTiCE, PRACTiCE...

When I was in school I was told what Lenin used to say: "Practise, practise and practise!" And when I couldn't always find the motivation I am now also lacking the patience to practise over and over again. If something is just not happening - I'm done with it. Therefore I was astonished to watch this little scene just before.

We were having lunch and without thinking much I unscrewed a drinking carton to give Leander something to drink. He reached his little arm - not for the drink but for the cap. I gave it to him and he again reached out his arm to place this cap on top of the opening in the carton. When it fell on the floor over and over again I placed himself on the floor with the cap and the carton and was sure the interest in this game would be over in now time (remembering my latest blog post). But this time I was wrong.



For several minutes he was highly concentrated and occupied with his self set task. He managed to place the cap on the hole but is not able to screw it yet. The cap would then always slip out of his fingertips into his hands which made the whole thing more difficult. And what I saw then really struck me.



He put the cap on the floor only to then pick it up carefully with his fingertips. And then he placed it back on top of the carton and so on.



And when I thought he might be getting frustrated because he was not able to screw it, so when the cap did stay on but was easily lifted it looked to me as if he was checking if it is fixated. Instead I realised that every time he just lifted the cap again to start his game over and over.


Now that was a lot of cap and carton talk. But who would have thought that this might be such a thrilling toy?
And again we learned - we do not need to teach anything. Not how to hold things, how to screw things or anything. And we do certainly not need to tell them how to do things better or different. When he put the cap down to grab it differently... that was one of those Aha-moments we want to miss as little as our children want to miss their learning experiences.


sorry for the terrible pictures I just could pull out my phone quickly otherwise I would have distracted Leander from his play.

TOYS

It has been said often. But looking around toy shops, parents' shopping bags before Christmas or Easter (which seems to be becoming another Christmas madness) it looks like it can't be repeated over and over again: Children do not need bright and shiny, several senses stimulating, challenging and encouraging toys. It's the simple things they enjoy the most.

Careful reading about Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber and their approach on toys and children's entertainment we were attempted not to overwhelm our son with oh so many toys. I believe so far we did quite well. But still, there are the temptations in the toy shops, the own childhood memories and the thought of giving your child all he needs to develop well. It is a struggle after all and here is a summary of our journey so far.

Before Leander could actually grab and here I mean purposefully grab - seeing something, wanting it and grabbing it - there was a time where I was impatient. I had some soft toys ready for him and with his first teeth approaching I wanted him to be able to grab a carrot or a wooden ring to bite and chew on. As soon as he was able to all the soft toys ended up in his playpen until a friend reminded me of what Pikler had said "not more than 4 toys at a time". And it made sense because the playpen seemed to be overloaded and the little man was not playing with any of them. So every now and then I removed some of the toys in there, replaced them by some others etc...

When our son became rather active and moved around a bit more we learned what really interested him - the paper my husband left lying on the floor nearby, the plastic bag with cough drops that slipped out of my pocket... such things way more interesting than those colourful knitted dices and sewed animals and puppets my mom had made herself.

Obviously - with the crawling, sitting and standing up EVERYTHING in reach that belonged to us (Laptop, mobile phone, books, coffee cups... you name it) was much more interesting than the toy car or the wooden mobile he was so keen on the week before. In a charity shop I bought him stacking cups and a stacking tower. After all I wanted him to have something and it was cheap as well. Well he LOVES the stacking cups and would love the tower but that just challenges his frustration skills (which is worth a whole new blog post).
In the playgroup I discovered that he loves playing with balls and wooden cars. I bought him one each for his birthday. Now that I am writing this I seem to remember that wooden car and realise I have not seen it in a week. It also seems that half of Vienna heard that Leander loves balls so he's got a bucket full of them now. They are so small though that it takes him 10 minutes for them to end up under the furniture and a minute later he won't miss them at all.

One day the hoover came out while Leander was around (usually we hoovered when one of us was out with him because he was so scared of the crawling noisy monster). Well now he seemed highly interested in getting to know that monster and was entertained by it (or entertained it) for a whole day. When we bought a new hoover and he kept playing with it so happily we gave him the tube of the old monster as a toy. That was interesting. For a bit.
A friend of my husband gave him a tube for cleaning building sites which makes funny noises when you blow in. A brilliant toy and you should have seen the look on Leander's face when he brought that home with him. He couldn't care less about me as long as this tube was around. Now since he's got it in the living room obviously declared as a toy it is - yes - just not interesting at all.

Cables have been the hit for EVER. So my husband looked for an old one we don't need anymore. It was received well and is now... well actually. Where is it??

Today Leander was playing with 6 empty beer bottles in their crate. Taking them out, putting them into the cupboard and back. My first thought was to take our plastic cycling bottles, fill an empty beer crate with them and give him that to play instead of the old glass bottles. But somehow I got the feeling that as soon as I give him the crate for the purpose of playing he will find... well... anything else more interesting.

It's not just that a child doesn't really need toys as produced and sold by people who are interested in making money and not in our children's happiness and daily fun. It's that our children see for themselves what is fun to be with, fun to blow in, to pull on, to stack on top of each other and to fill from one item into another. Of course we can't let them play with anything in the house (that's why he is still interested in our phones and laptops). But we can realise that he is the one to choose and what's interesting today might not even be blinked at tomorrow. And that again is the excitement of it all.

TiDY UP !

How much did we hate this line from our parents ? Sometimes I did tidy up to please them and sometimes I created new (old) concepts of tidying up (hiding all in a cupboard, behind the door etc...). Very rarely I came up with the idea of tidying up my room all by myself. But no matter if I did it voluntarily or not - a clean and orderly room still gave me a thrill of satisfaction, motivation and inner peace.

When I first entered the parent infant class I was shocked by the amount of toys small and large and wondered what this room would look like after a few minutes. But before it could turn into a complete mess our teacher would put things back where they belonged just in the area she was just sitting. I thought to myself "What is that all about? She will have to do that all over again in no time. Not just once."
So later I spoke with a friend who went to another parent infant class and experienced the same. But instead of wondering she asked the teacher about this and she said that the children need their order, they will get uneasy and restless when their environment becomes too messy. And suddenly it all made sense.
I remembered the pictures from Montessori children's houses or homes. How I always imagined that they had purposely cleaned it all before the picture taking and why they made an effort of putting the materials all so neatly on the shelves.
I also remembered how much more fun it was to cook in a clean kitchen or how much more motivated I was after I had decluttered my desk (well, at least most of the times).
So that afternoon I gave our living room a nice clean up and arranged our son's toys like I have seen it in class. The balls together in one basket, the wooden toys together in another basket, the stacking cups in order, spoon in the bowl etc... Suddenly the room looked so clean and big as it actually is.

Of course it only takes Leander a few minutes (if at all) to spread his toys on the floor. But every now and then when he is busy in another corner I put a few things back in place and when he is having his nap I tidy the whole room again. Right now this is kind of a meditative task, takes me two minutes and I'm happy. When he comes back in the room he now knows exactly where to find what which I think is a good start for when he gets older and deliberately chooses something to play with and knows where to get it.
I am aware that he will have more and more toys but I figured that this way of keeping a strict order will help to prevent us from "too much". When I can't find space anymore we need to declutter. I already started with those toys he is far too young for anyway (but grandparents keep buying...). I put them in a box which he already found but is not capable of opening by himself. It became boring to him but I'm sure one day he'll figure it out and then he will find toys he can actually use in it. By then I will have taken a few other things away.
Well at least that's the plan...

Another reason I hope this strict order will help us with is the tidying up process in general when Leander gets older. Apparently children up to the age of 10 or 12 are not seriously capable of cleaning up a whole mess but can follow requests such as "Can you put your Lego in the red box?" or "Can you please put those books to the others in the shelf?". If they now where to find the red box they can do so. If the bookshelf is cluttered with toys they might not. Again - these are all hopeful predictions. So far I seriously enjoy to arrange balls and stacking cups (I love them too!) and most importantly I enjoy to have my living room back after living in a children's room all day!


And while I have quite a few peeks in the future in my post without knowing too much about it I would love to hear your experiences with the mess and the order of children.

TiME TO PLAY. OR NOT.

Today we went to a Pikler parent-infant class for the first time. Although we try to raise our child to the Pikler / Gerber / RIE approach I still wasn't so sure what exactly to expect from such a class. Which was good because I like nice surprises.



After 10 months of "homecare" and only rare encounters between little Lman and other children I had no idea how he would behave in a new environment with 7 other kids his age, new toys, other mothers. Well - apparently he was amazed. I had just taken off his jacket and sat him down to take off mine when he happily crawled away into this big room full of toys big and small. For the next 20-30 minutes he was busy discovering. I sat back and watched. Every now and then he glanced at me just to make sure I was still there. Then he would happily continue his discovery tour. Sometimes he would sit next to me with a ball or a wooden toy in his hand and watch the others play. Then he would be off again. It was so amazing to see him act like this.

The great thing about this "special class" and why it is different from other infant or toddler classes is that the parents are mainly there to watch and accompany their kids. But not to entertain them.
In a parent forum where I keep reading and discussing (although I shouldn't) people (mothers) have been complaining about those classes (they keep complaining about Pikler/Gerber in general). They said there would be a strange atmosphere, it would be too quiet for a room full of kids and the teacher would be too dogmatic. So I was watching out for that. After a while I realised yes - it is quiet in there. Considering that there are 8 children it was fairly quiet but the reason for that was that the children were playing happily. Or not. They chose what to do. If they want to play they do so and they choose from the arrangement of toys. If they want to stick with their parents they do so and nobody is "forcing" or persuading them to do anything they don't want. So the kids are busy. Or not. Of course they interact, they fall and cry, maybe one is a bit rough to another and one cries. But apart from that it is a nice relaxed atmosphere. The mothers do not sit and talk about their diaper, feeding or parenting problems. They just observe and learn about their own kids.
So instead of complaining that this atmosphere is weird one should wonder why it is so nice and quiet in there. Nobody is telling the kids to shut up.

The teacher might seem dogmatic to a person who is not familiar with the Pikler / Gerber approach as it happened in our class today. When you hear for the first time to let your child be and that it is important if he is hitting his head somewhere you are allowed to find the teacher a bit strange. Otherwise you might find very helpful advise on a subject that is playing a very important role in your life.

This is not a usual parent-infant class where the parents go to entertain their kids. This class is for the kids to enjoy free play. And for the parents to observe. It is wonderful and I can't wait to go back next week.

CHRiSTMAS - TiME FOR PRESENTS. OR NOT.

It is this time of year again. We are thinking about the presents for our beloved ones. Where there are new beloved little persons in the house there are more thoughts and discussions on presents in the whole family. No matter how old the little person is.





I have recently scanned through this parents forum I should actually be avoiding. Some mothers are seriously asking the question "What to buy for my 6 month old boy for Christmas?" It's not just the question, it's the answers that appeared minute after minute. Parents are sending lists and lists of toys they are buying or "ordering" form the grandparents for their children.

Our son will be 8 months old at Christmas. I do not believe that what he needs are many many presents. He does not even know the term present. How can he differentiate between a present and a household item lying around ? Don't get me wrong - I would not want to exclude my son from Christmas but I seriously do not believe that he needs boxes of presents lying underneath the Christmas tree.

Are we not all complaining about the amount of money we are spending year after year for christmas, the crazy shopping stress in the city centre or in the shopping malls the weeks before christmas, the manic consumption of stuff? So shouldn't we try and teach our children better? Let them believe in Santa, let them write wishlists. But don't let them expect the whole lot. Don't let them expect anything.
I remember one Christmas with my cousin and his sons, three of them. They had sent lists to Santa and my cousin and his wife had then "ordered" the items on the list from the various relatives. On boxing day at my granny's house, when they had received the last load of presents, they looked around the room filled with toys and asked where the missing items from the list were. I was shocked. They did not just expect anything from the list, they expected the whole lot.

So far we don't even know yet how to celebrate Christmas with our son since we are not very religious. But I know that I don't want him to see Christmas as time for presents. I do not want him to relate Christmas just with Santa. I know it will be hard as soon as he enters kindergarden and school. But I am trying to live as sustainable as possible and I do believe in a better world, I do believe that there is hope and therefore I will not give up before I have tried. So I will certainly not start the Santa-present-connection in the one year where my son will surely not realise any of the festive fuzz and buzz and stress.

What I will be giving him for Christmas this year is a relaxing and quiet time with us. Enough time for him to play and discover. Maybe I look through the box of toys I have not given him because he is busy with the ones he's got already in his playpen and quietly put this somewhere in his reach. Maybe he will make himself the present of being able to crawl or sit up.


What will you be giving your children for Christmas ? What's your opinion on this and what are you doing about it?

LEAVE ME ALONE !

When I first heard of the Pikler parenting method I was very surprised by her attitude of leaving your child alone to play. And I was relieved. How often do you see parents and relatives take a little newborn out of their crib just like that, throw it in the air, shake it and carry it around. Without warning, without asking they interrupt the little ones action - even if that is just lying there and looking around. I always felt sorry for the baby that had no choice but be part of the "fun".

On sunday we experienced our first Pikler - situation of "Let your child be". A friend came over for a visit. I had just fed our son and my husband had changed his diaper. Happy and satisfied he was lying on the sofa still trying hard to move his hands into his mouth. Our friend went over to him, picked him up and held him in front of her face. Immediately he started crying so she began to wonder why. Nervously she started shaking and rocking him, making funny sounds and laughing. The little one continued crying until my husband suggested she should just put him back down because that might be what he wanted. Eventually after a few more rocking rounds he did not enjoy she put him down. He stopped crying and went back to his hands as if nothing had happened.

The problem with "Letting your child be" is that many parents think you are not allowed to play with your child at all, to hold him, to cuddle him. Of course you are allowed and you SHOULD do all that. But you shouldn't do it when it is convenient to YOU, when YOU have a spare moment, when YOU feel like cuddling.
Do not forget that your child is a human too and he has his needs to be alone and play by himself. A few weeks ago he was thrown out of his comfortable warm 24hour restaurant called "uterus" so he needs time to adjust to this world, to find his place, to grasp.
So rather than presenting your child with your constant presence lean back and watch him. Figure out what he is up to and what he needs when he cries. You will learn when it is okay for him to interact with you, when he wants you to hold him, to cuddle him. Enjoy those moments when it's right for both of you but also enjoy the spare time you gain by not entertaining your child constantly.

Also - A child's attention span will be much longer when it is allowed to play with something he chooses not something you put into his hands or in front of his head. See it like that - most of the time you enjoy a magazine/book/article you choose to read much more than a magazine someone just put into your hands because he or she think you should read that right now!! you want to read it when you are in the mood. And you will eventually read it. Interested. With full concentration. Your child will do the same. With the toys it chooses himself!