ATTACHMENT THEORY - AND PRAXiS

Today in a room with 30 other people the little man lay on my chest. For at least 20 minutes. Just like that. Hands on my arms. Legs wrapped around me.
This will not seem worth a mention to you. But considering that he has never done this before (when he was not ill) this was a great first time for me.







From the very beginning he wasn't a very cuddly person. Of course there were times when he fell asleep while nursing or afterwards, when I tried to get him to burp. But the livelier he got, the more he could see of the world the less he wanted to be close to me for longer than a wink. It was fine that he was excited and interested in the world. But it was also hard at times that I simply couldn't lie down and cuddle with my baby as I've always pictured it.
When he was grumpy or unhappy I couldn't just pick him up and hold him and the world was fine. If something bothered him it had to be looked at, talked through, changed. Mama couldn't just come and play "Happy world". On one side this was a good thing. It made me learn what exactly bothered him when, it made me really care for his needs and not just distract him. But sometimes it was hard and frustrating when I just wanted to hug him to help him get over a frustrating situation but he would shake me off.

In the creche he was not one of those children who would run towards me the minute he saw me. He would rather take my hand and lead me towards the door as if saying "Ok then, let's not waste any time, let's go!" or he would continue playing what he just played. Things need to be finished in his world. Whatever finished means for him.

I always hoped that one day he would be the person that would come towards me and hug me. Just like that.

As with I think every parent the moment came when I started thinking about our attachment. Throughout my online course to become a family counsellor I recently read a lot about the attachment theory and the attachment patterns that have been identified. Obviously that got me thinking if everything was "alright" with us. So for a while when I went to the creche to pick up the little man I carefully watched his reaction: He saw me, continued to play, looked at me again and still continued playing. All alarm buttons went off, I got nervous. "little or no visible response to return. Ignoring or turning away with no effort to maintain contact if picked up" (Mary Ainsworth) ---> therefore avoidant attachment pattern!
A door fell into its lock! I felt trapped. How could that be? I thought and thought and squeezed my brain. What could have gone wrong? And where? I went through the last 20months of the little man's life. Could the surgery have shaken our attachment? Did I not carry him enough? Am I a bad mother?

Until I figured - those attachment patterns are categories. Based on some studies that in my opinion are quite vage. Is it really that easy? And what exactly does it mean, if you are A, B or C? Am I really trying to say what type of relationship my son is going to live with other people in his life based on how I see he reacts when I pick him up from the creche? So I finished the part of the course about attachment and put aside the readings. I stopped thinking about the whole theory. And listened to my heart again.
And you know what? When I went to the creche the last couple of weeks the little man would come towards me right away (unless he was eating, which he ALWAYS finishes up). He would come close, rest in my arms, tell me the names of the other kids or show me some toys or materials he likes.

What I see now is that a lot of this big and heavy stuff about attachment is in your head. It is so intense and important that it scares the hell out of new parents. And stresses them. So I think do theories that apparently help you build a stronger attachment by carrying your child, nursing intense and for long, co-sleeping etc. If parents really feel like doing these things and are happy and relaxed with it I think that's great. But I also think that there are other ways to achieve a strong attachment with your child.
This was also what Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber were aiming at: By respecting your child's needs, allowing free movement and play and accompanying him on his way in the world rather than leading and directing him you can build a very fine relationship of love, trust and respect that will be a strong foundation for the child to grow on.

And therefore I think: listen to yourself. To your inner feeling. And listen to your child. Enjoy your relationship together and treat it with love and respect exactly the way you would want to be treated in a loving relationship.

So today, in a room full of 30 adults the little man has seen before and that are going to be his future neighbours he felt the need to be close to me, to lie on my chest and rest. And I loved it, every second of it, his tiny hands on my arms, his legs wrapped around me. I stroked his head and knew: we are attached. And we don't need a cupboard with 4 drawers to tell us how well.

ANOTHER ONE ON PRAiSE

Delighted I read Anna's "personal note on rewards, praise and punishment". We have made similar experiences too, throughout our childhood and now with Leander. Of course we were excited when he did his first steps. He was too. But we didn't clap our hands. And that's the difference.





In an Austrian magazine there was a very important article about the so called "overprotected child". It was all about how parents nowadays hover around their children trying to protect them from every accident and every little stumble or fall. By doing so instead of keeping them safe they are holding them from the absolute necessary experiences of balance, height, speed etc. Those children don't learn their own limits, they don't know their own body and become insecure. And then experience accidents (maybe later in life) as a result of the overprotection. By being so well watched and put in classes and courses rather than taken on trips to the woods or the park children become dependent and passive, they can't develop self confidence and self esteem.

That's what Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber both observed and included in their work. That's what the parent-infant-playgroup is about (amongst other topics): to sit and observe, not watch your child in a security kind of job, but with interest: "Where is my child right now?" (development), "What does he like, enjoy, can or is he trying to achieve?" To then follow this observation knowing what I can do or offer to let him explore free and self motivated in an appropriate environment at his very own stage of development.

A very good and important article that was. Up to the point where the psychologist Lieselotte Ahnert says, that parents need to praise their children, when they achieve something new. That this is the "drive children need to continue learning." And I disagree. If a child does not know praise for developmental steps he is going to achieve at some point anyway (considering he is healthy) he will not need it to get going. What he needs is the company of parents who actively "see" what the child is achieving and what effort went into this, who value the process and who enjoy this moment with their child. Not by clapping and sitting him on this imaginery throne but by simply laughing with him, hugging him or offering words for what just happened. "I am so happy for you!" - so simple, so light yet so true and honest.

Elsewhere in the article it is mentioned that when achieving a milestone or goal children (or people in general) experience joy and happyness which again leads to the release of dopamine, a very important neurotransmitter. Dopamine then encourages the continuation of that learning process. I think we all know how happy we continue a work that has just reached a new milestone we've been working on for ages. But to make sure this dopamine is released a child does not need praise, it just needs joy and happyness. Of course we can somehow almost stop this cycle by not reacting at all to this joy. But we mustn't overreact neither. It's enough to smile, nod or laugh.

Now is it so bad if I praise my child out of some inner drive? No it's not I'd say carefully. If a mother really has the need to shout "Wow super!" it is not that bad. If this does not become routine because then this "Wow super!" can become the drive the child one day really needs and does things not to for the sake of it but to be praised. And THIS can be counterproductive because then we raise little zoo animals that hop through a loop for a piece of cake.

And that's why I don't like articles like these where such lines like "The parents' praise is the drive a child needs to continue learning." might become the core of the whole point they were trying to make. And that was the one about the problem of overprotection if you remember. You don't? See - that's what I mean.

iT FEELS RiGHT

Yesterday I saw Leander pressing his forefinger against his lips saying "pssst!" after he put his little toy rabbit to sleep. Although it was as cute as everything he is doing for the first time I was wondering where he got it from. Maybe naptime in the creche, maybe somewhere else I don't know but it got me thinking how well the non-shshshing went for us.




As with many things I would have done if I hadn't met Emmi Pikler's approach to wonderful parenting I would probably have tried to shshsh my child to sleep, to shshsh him over a little accident and emotional rollercoasters. But I didn't. And I didn't miss it.

I read about how important it is for Babies to cry if they need to cry when all their basic and existential needs are met and from this moment on I never tried to stop it just for the sake of it. Of course I have been frustrated and desperate at times and would have given a kingdom for him to stop crying. But by then I knew too well that simple shshshing wouldn't do. Not with a child that has gotten so used to his thumb that I could be sure that if he cried, he needed crying, that in this situation the thumb was not enough. (Another reason why I'd always prefer a thumb to a pacifier - it tells the parents if somethings wrong or not, not the other way around).

When Leander falls he usually takes a moment to realise. I do so too. If it's not too bad he will get up and keep doing what he was doing. If he's tired or exhausted he will cry a little and point with his little fingers to the exact place where he tripped or stumbled then to the part of his body that got hurt. We always need to explain what happened and after a few reconstructions of the scenario he'll keep going. When Leander falls badly, gets his fingers stuck in the elevator door or the toes underneath a door he doesn't just cry. He screams. These are the moments he needs us. He needs us most. We need to pick him up and hold him. And then we still have to explaing what happens. When such rather bad things happen he keeps telling them to us even days afterwards. Interestingly I wasn't there when he threw his room door but had his feet in the way. It was his Dad who was there so it was only him who he told what happened every time they went in or out his room together. He knew exactly who was with him in the situation and who would understand what he's saying. He hasn't really got the words for it but my hope is that once he has - he will be able to express not just what happened but also how it felt. For now we try to find words for him and he nods along sobbing when we are right.

The other day I didn't even see how he fell. But he was lying there screaming so I picked him up and held him. In this moment it felt so right and so true. Simply being there. With him. It looked like he just tripped a little, it was dark and cold and snowy and his huge snow suit is a little in the way sometimes so I didn't think it was much. But he screamed so I simply held him in the middle of the footpath and was there for him.
Later on when I changed him and got him ready for bedtime I saw a little bruise above his upper lip. He must have fell on his mouth. And there it was - the moment I realised how bad it can be if we shshsh a child in a moment we think wasn't too bad or a situation we feel uncomfortable having a screaming baby. So out of this relief I just said "Oh you even got a little bruise today, this must have hurt." and I hugged him.

For me - these are moments of true love. Not asking. Not questioning. Not shshshing. Not hectically brushing the dirt of his trousers and jacket while he still screams. Just being there - giving.
In times where I am back to work life and Leander is in the creche, where quality time is limited to certain hours of the day it his not easy to be sure if your child knows how much you love him, how much he means to you. Leander is not a cuddly child either, well he wasn't, he's getting a little cuddlier now but usually it's him who decides when to cuddle and how and how long. But in these moments where he got hurt or scared I hold him and let him cry as much as he needs and know that he knows I love him. Because I do.

LOOK ME iN THE EYE, BABY !

Eye contact is a very important way for newborns and infants of communicating with their parents. It is after all also for us a very special moment when we realise, that our child is looking into our eyes, not straight through them anymore. It is also the time, when the first smile brings happy tears into mommy's eyes. I could spend ours looking into Leander's eyes, trying to read his thoughts and feeling completely connected. And yet, I lost it somewhere along the way.

When I look around I realise I'm not alone. But that's not a relief, it's sad. Parents often talk to their children over the paper or the phone or the computer. At the breakfast table we tend to look at the mess that's about to happen, at the changing table we fight with a diaper, poo and wipes.
The only moments that pop into my mind when thinking of a parent-child-eye contact is the angry parent yelling into the child's face or the parent leaving the sad child with a caretaker. Is that all?

When did we loose this special connection? The opportunity to raise a person, that won't avoid the eye contact to a stranger?
Well I've got some thoughts.

1) As soon as the child becomes mobile we start walking ahead. When before I looked at Leander and said: "I'm going to the kitchen, I'll be right back" I then just said I'd leave knowing he would follow anyway. At some point I even started walking out because there aren't many places I could go to in our flat. But the main part is that I didn't necessarily look at him anymore, even if I did say something.

2) We had Leander facing towards us in the stroller for quite a long time. But when he started being artistic trying to face the other way I gave in and turned the seat around. The trailor we've got now doesn't even give us that choice. And most strollers don't give that either. When I talk to Leander I don't even know if he's listening. Until I hear an answer. Or not.

3) The diaper change became much more lively when we started changing Leander while he was standing up. Especially since he can walk I'm trying hard to keep the poo where it belongs while Leander is busy doing... what actually? I never distracted him with toys, I actually took them off him when he was up there on the changing table. But I didn't think that using an unattended moment of his to get the trousers off or the diaper on was some form of distraction too. Until I had another three days of intense Pikler traning last week.

In that training we looked at pictures and videos of diaper change situations in the Lóczy orphanage in Budapest. What struck me was the connection between the children and the nurses. Most impressive for me was their eye contact in so many moments, an eye contact in which you feel a strong relation ship and trust. It was something everyone would expect from children and their parents, but not in an orphanage. And again it made me rethink our (diaper) changing situations at home.

So in the evening I tried what felt easy and doable. And I learned that it wasn't. Because we had lost it. Even when I did remind Leander to "take part" in taking his trousers off, his pyjama on or anything, he did. But he wouldn't look into my eyes. And when he did, I tried to stretch the moment. Because I felt how special it was.
We're still not there yet but I feel that it is getting easier. Because while trying to bring him back to the moment, not using unattended situations to get on, I eventually get him when HE is ready to. I then have this cooperatve child Pikler always talked about. And this is not - as it may sound - a passive unwilling child, it's a happy one that feels being respected and trusted. The other bonus is - I am so focused, so right in this moment trying to connect with him that I don't think of anything else. I'm right there. With him.

As I say - I'm not there yet, but I feel that this is a wonderful upward spiral I just have to hold onto very tight and I will not just have a cooperative child (with moody exceptions I hope - because a "No!"from his side is important too, but that's another topic) but also a very strong and loving connection that's worth every minute we're late for all sorts of appointments.

MONTESSORi vs. PiKLER

In my recent post "Montessori was right" I have mentioned how important it is to allow children to take part in our life for real, not just with plastic toys in their room. And while I'm convinced of the amazing and wonderful work of Maria Montessori and agree with what Nicole from Montessori School of Mount Pleasant and Little Learners Lodge wrote in her recent post I do think that at the age 0-3 the Pikler or RIE principles are much more valuable.

When I first heard about Montessori and Pikler I thought "Now what's actually the difference between their approaches?" and found out that Montessori mainly focused on the age group 3-6 (The Children's House) and Pikler on the age group 0-3. Then I discovered some writings and information on Montessori's thoughts on the very young infant e.g. the book "Montessori from the start" and with Leander attending a Montessori creche I figured that - in the end - both women had very similar approaches. I still believe that to be true, but I have found a few Montessori ideas to lead in the "wrong" direction.

The material
Montessori is especially known for her own special materials she has thought through and developed with a lot of experiences in mind. With most of these materials she is aiming for some skills to be achieved, sometimes in various steps, sometimes straight away. A few materials are self explaining, a few need demonstrations to the child from a teacher or caregiver. I do believe that especially at the age 0-2 this is just not necessary and partly even obstructive.
According to RIE principles what we want to "teach" a child is to be free to choose whatever he wants to play (with). Until a child can speak it is - in my opinion - much better if all the toys or materials are open (as Pikler called it), so no didactic background, no skills needed or to be achieved. Simply playing and having fun. Montessori actually said "Children can not not learn." So why go and place materails in their reach that need demonstration?
Of course it took me a while to come to that thought and I have been there myself letting Leander pour water from one jug into another or shovel beans from one bowl into the next. Of course I had to show him, if I'd only placed two jugs on a tray on the shelf he would not have known what to do with it. And of course he enjoyed it. A lot. But it was not HIS decision to play with that. It was me who asked him to, who showed him how to do it and who watched him the whole time. At this very young age (he was 18 months old) this is just not necessary. Even now (he is almost 22 months old) he is happy playing with toys that don't need explanation. He loves cars, books and small toy animals he shows to us waiting for us to say what it is. He is developing his speech more than anything at the moment, what does he need to shovel beans for?
He does learn how to use a spoon simply by using one for his meals every single day.

Another problem is that at this age children still take a lot of things into their mouth, they throw things (oh dear, when will it stop?) and they drop things on purpose (discovering physics). If you are happy collecting beans, whiping the floor, changing clothes and fishing little things out of your child's little mouth you are welcome to offer those materials. I for myself have found it too stressful for all of us.

Cooking
As mentioned before - at this age children want to take part in the household and they are very proud if they are allowed. Dusting, hoovering, helping with the laundry etc. It is all great and I can only recommend it. But the cooking - which is a great part in Montessori houses - I would postpone. It again has some aim - a proper meal. With the laundry or the dishes I don't mind if he replaces them, if he carries them around or places a cup on his head. When he hoovers he enjoys switching the hoover on and off more than actually hoovering. All fine. But when it comes to food I'm quite strict. I don't want it to be thrown, I don't want it to be wasted but I also don't want to cook a proper meal and a fake meal. So there will be so many "rules" that again I find it too much and too difficult for a child that age.Keep it simple and don't make a great effort of a simple daily task that in the end will actually have nothing to do with the task itself anymore.

Potty training
I know from the creche Leander attends that the Montessori approach is very much aiming for the independence of a child. But it goes that far that potty training is something they are quite keen on because obviously it helps with the self dependence. But this is not a skill you can practice day in day out. It is a physical development that takes time. For some children more than for others and I believe that no pressure here will lead to way more success than anything else.

Sleeping
Montessori suggests giving your child a floor bed rather than a cot as he can choose when to go to sleep and can easily climb in and out himself. Again the self dependence is the great goal behind this idea. And while I have to admit that a big bed can be very helpful and relaxing for the whole family I do believe that a child
a) needs a cozy and secure boundary around himself and
b) will not go to bed and stay there all by himself until he is sound asleep. Life is just too exciting at this age to simply lay down and sleep.
We have exchanged Leander's cot with a bunk bed where he has the mattress basically under the bed with curtains around and the actual bed is used as a big changing table. It is very very cozy, he loves it and it has proven very helpful at nights when Leander is ill or just can't get back to sleep. Because that way we simply lay down next to him and sometimes even sleep in his bed with him for a while. The down part is that he is NEVER falling asleep on his own in the evening. We have to stay with him until he is in dreamland otherwise he will just follow us back to the living room all the time. So although he might say "Brush" when he gets tired and wants to brush his teeth in order to go to bed he still wouldn't just doze off all by himself. And I have to say: That's okay! He is not even 2 years old, he needs us and we're there. So the floorbed is great if you enjoy cuddle times with your child in the evening but not with the expectation of a tired child just laying down for the night all by himself.


In general, what I do believe to be the "problem" with the Montessori pedagogy for the agegroup 0-3 is that the independence is this great expectation in the back. Every toy, every material seems to have an achievement in its description.
Especially at this age children and most parents have all the time in the world. Nobody should be rushing them, no milestone should be more important than the joy and happiness of an exploring child.

Why is my son in a Montessori creche then? By no means I am meaning to criticise the creche Leander is attending. Of all places I could leave him while I simply have to work this is the best I can think of. As I said - Montessori has a similar approach in mind - and after all the children in this creche have a lot of time for "free play" and are treated with a lot of respect. Compared to many other creches where the children are entertained all day I am very happy with the place I leave my boy in in the mornings.

I just believe that if you've got a choice or if you are at home with your child for the first few years focusing on the RIE principles rather than expensive Montessori material can be much more valuable.

THEORY, iNSTiNCT AND PRACTiCE

This year I decided NOT to give my husband a book for his birthday as he always asked for one, got one and that was it. I thought I should be more creative. I tried but my ideas didn't really fit in the little spare time I have without son and husband, I'm not too organised right now and in the end - hubby was really really asking for this one book. So I got it for him. Again. Alfie Kohn's "Unconditional parenting" was the number one on the list this year.

Of course I was thrilled that after over one year of talking about parenting, discussing and reflecting he still wanted to read into it more and more. And yes, I am aware that I am quite lucky to have a father like that for my son.
But when we were both sitting in the living room, him reading Alfie Kohn, me deep into Naomi Aldort's "Raising our children, raising ourselves" I came to think about all the discussions about reading too much instead of trusting my instinct when it comes to parenting. Well from what I can say - a good mix of both is very healthy.

As said previously it was my boss who got me into the whole parenting world and on to the RIE approach. Luckily me and my husband felt right there the minute we read about Emmi Pikler and her work. We were happy to find the books by Magda Gerber that were a bit more "to date" and many many more books on mindful parenting, respecting children and so on. Very early we have found our basis, our path and are now enjoying a wonderful journey with our son. But of course I can understand the people who question the use (or non-use) of our instincts in this whole parenting process.

Well, I was a bit concerned about that myself for a while. But the more we all grew together, the more the theory from the books became practice the more I felt the need to use my instinct. Because despite the not uncommon misinterpretation of RIE such as "a lot about it not being compatible with an instinctual style of parenting" (see the very recent debate as posted on Janet Lansbury's blog) it is very very much to do with instincts and the trust to let your baby lead your way. I just think it is much easier to trust yourself, to listen to yourself AND your baby when you know where you want to go and how to get there. To raise an independent, self confident, relaxed and happy child is what we all want but how to do so is NOT something that is inside our head and heart from the minute the child is born. Because what we sometimes take as instinct I believe is rather habit, taken over from the parenting style we were raised to (and many of us DON'T want to raise their kids to). When I am stressed, edgy or annoyed by whatever what I realise that I fall into a behaviour pattern I then realise as my mother's. The feared sentence "I'm turning into my mother" comes to my head. That's exactly what I don't want but what in 30years has grown inside me and bitten onto every bone in my body. That doesn't mean it is right to accept and go with it, instead I think it is important to question it and try to break through these behaviour patterns.

Think of all these daily examples of parents and grandparents picking up the babies in a rush of love and affection, the habit of walking your baby, the sentence "I'm so proud of you" when a child is fulfilling our expectations. Instinctual you do all that but that doesn't mean that it is neither necessary nor good or helpful.

Our instinct is there in the first place, it tells us what parenting style feels right for us, but after that first very relevant task we should give it a break and open our minds. We as parents grow as well, and it is inevitable that we do. We can not expect our children to develop if we don't do the same and therefore we need to discover what is instinct and what is habit. When we are willing to do so we will feel our instinct changing, developing and becoming more and more important again. And in the end the books, the theory and ourselves are becoming one. One solid rock raising your self-confident child.

TOYS

It has been said often. But looking around toy shops, parents' shopping bags before Christmas or Easter (which seems to be becoming another Christmas madness) it looks like it can't be repeated over and over again: Children do not need bright and shiny, several senses stimulating, challenging and encouraging toys. It's the simple things they enjoy the most.

Careful reading about Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber and their approach on toys and children's entertainment we were attempted not to overwhelm our son with oh so many toys. I believe so far we did quite well. But still, there are the temptations in the toy shops, the own childhood memories and the thought of giving your child all he needs to develop well. It is a struggle after all and here is a summary of our journey so far.

Before Leander could actually grab and here I mean purposefully grab - seeing something, wanting it and grabbing it - there was a time where I was impatient. I had some soft toys ready for him and with his first teeth approaching I wanted him to be able to grab a carrot or a wooden ring to bite and chew on. As soon as he was able to all the soft toys ended up in his playpen until a friend reminded me of what Pikler had said "not more than 4 toys at a time". And it made sense because the playpen seemed to be overloaded and the little man was not playing with any of them. So every now and then I removed some of the toys in there, replaced them by some others etc...

When our son became rather active and moved around a bit more we learned what really interested him - the paper my husband left lying on the floor nearby, the plastic bag with cough drops that slipped out of my pocket... such things way more interesting than those colourful knitted dices and sewed animals and puppets my mom had made herself.

Obviously - with the crawling, sitting and standing up EVERYTHING in reach that belonged to us (Laptop, mobile phone, books, coffee cups... you name it) was much more interesting than the toy car or the wooden mobile he was so keen on the week before. In a charity shop I bought him stacking cups and a stacking tower. After all I wanted him to have something and it was cheap as well. Well he LOVES the stacking cups and would love the tower but that just challenges his frustration skills (which is worth a whole new blog post).
In the playgroup I discovered that he loves playing with balls and wooden cars. I bought him one each for his birthday. Now that I am writing this I seem to remember that wooden car and realise I have not seen it in a week. It also seems that half of Vienna heard that Leander loves balls so he's got a bucket full of them now. They are so small though that it takes him 10 minutes for them to end up under the furniture and a minute later he won't miss them at all.

One day the hoover came out while Leander was around (usually we hoovered when one of us was out with him because he was so scared of the crawling noisy monster). Well now he seemed highly interested in getting to know that monster and was entertained by it (or entertained it) for a whole day. When we bought a new hoover and he kept playing with it so happily we gave him the tube of the old monster as a toy. That was interesting. For a bit.
A friend of my husband gave him a tube for cleaning building sites which makes funny noises when you blow in. A brilliant toy and you should have seen the look on Leander's face when he brought that home with him. He couldn't care less about me as long as this tube was around. Now since he's got it in the living room obviously declared as a toy it is - yes - just not interesting at all.

Cables have been the hit for EVER. So my husband looked for an old one we don't need anymore. It was received well and is now... well actually. Where is it??

Today Leander was playing with 6 empty beer bottles in their crate. Taking them out, putting them into the cupboard and back. My first thought was to take our plastic cycling bottles, fill an empty beer crate with them and give him that to play instead of the old glass bottles. But somehow I got the feeling that as soon as I give him the crate for the purpose of playing he will find... well... anything else more interesting.

It's not just that a child doesn't really need toys as produced and sold by people who are interested in making money and not in our children's happiness and daily fun. It's that our children see for themselves what is fun to be with, fun to blow in, to pull on, to stack on top of each other and to fill from one item into another. Of course we can't let them play with anything in the house (that's why he is still interested in our phones and laptops). But we can realise that he is the one to choose and what's interesting today might not even be blinked at tomorrow. And that again is the excitement of it all.

TiDY UP !

How much did we hate this line from our parents ? Sometimes I did tidy up to please them and sometimes I created new (old) concepts of tidying up (hiding all in a cupboard, behind the door etc...). Very rarely I came up with the idea of tidying up my room all by myself. But no matter if I did it voluntarily or not - a clean and orderly room still gave me a thrill of satisfaction, motivation and inner peace.

When I first entered the parent infant class I was shocked by the amount of toys small and large and wondered what this room would look like after a few minutes. But before it could turn into a complete mess our teacher would put things back where they belonged just in the area she was just sitting. I thought to myself "What is that all about? She will have to do that all over again in no time. Not just once."
So later I spoke with a friend who went to another parent infant class and experienced the same. But instead of wondering she asked the teacher about this and she said that the children need their order, they will get uneasy and restless when their environment becomes too messy. And suddenly it all made sense.
I remembered the pictures from Montessori children's houses or homes. How I always imagined that they had purposely cleaned it all before the picture taking and why they made an effort of putting the materials all so neatly on the shelves.
I also remembered how much more fun it was to cook in a clean kitchen or how much more motivated I was after I had decluttered my desk (well, at least most of the times).
So that afternoon I gave our living room a nice clean up and arranged our son's toys like I have seen it in class. The balls together in one basket, the wooden toys together in another basket, the stacking cups in order, spoon in the bowl etc... Suddenly the room looked so clean and big as it actually is.

Of course it only takes Leander a few minutes (if at all) to spread his toys on the floor. But every now and then when he is busy in another corner I put a few things back in place and when he is having his nap I tidy the whole room again. Right now this is kind of a meditative task, takes me two minutes and I'm happy. When he comes back in the room he now knows exactly where to find what which I think is a good start for when he gets older and deliberately chooses something to play with and knows where to get it.
I am aware that he will have more and more toys but I figured that this way of keeping a strict order will help to prevent us from "too much". When I can't find space anymore we need to declutter. I already started with those toys he is far too young for anyway (but grandparents keep buying...). I put them in a box which he already found but is not capable of opening by himself. It became boring to him but I'm sure one day he'll figure it out and then he will find toys he can actually use in it. By then I will have taken a few other things away.
Well at least that's the plan...

Another reason I hope this strict order will help us with is the tidying up process in general when Leander gets older. Apparently children up to the age of 10 or 12 are not seriously capable of cleaning up a whole mess but can follow requests such as "Can you put your Lego in the red box?" or "Can you please put those books to the others in the shelf?". If they now where to find the red box they can do so. If the bookshelf is cluttered with toys they might not. Again - these are all hopeful predictions. So far I seriously enjoy to arrange balls and stacking cups (I love them too!) and most importantly I enjoy to have my living room back after living in a children's room all day!


And while I have quite a few peeks in the future in my post without knowing too much about it I would love to hear your experiences with the mess and the order of children.

i PLAY. YOU WATCH.

What becomes more and more fascinating in my life as a mother now is how this little person is interacting with us. The first time he smiles at you. The first time he reaches out his arms asking to be picked up. And the first time he throws a ball at you.






The obvious thing for us to do in response to that is to take the ball and throw it back. Gently. Laughing. So that's what I did but right in that moment Leander was actually getting ready to go after the ball himself. So next time he threw the ball at me I waited. He crawled towards me and picked up the ball. Threw it away and went after... over and over again.

When we went to pick up his dad from work one day Leander found the office football and started his game all over. Excited and happy. A colleague of my husband sat down and took the ball throwing it at Leander. He again just watched the ball roll pass him. He didn't move. He didn't go after the ball. This was not his game anymore. Exact same thing happened with another colleague. And I just watched this situation and smiled. THiS was what Emmi Pikler described in her book about the first games children play. They invent them. They invite you to play along. Or not. They say when and how.

Ever since Leander was able to crawl he had much fun in us chasing him (on our knees). While I sat in his room he would crawl out and behind the door he would make a noise like calling me. When I looked at him he quickly run off laughing out loud, almost falling over because of the laughter. I went after him. When I stopped following he stopped crawling too, sat up, looked back and when he saw me in starting position he would quickly crawl away again. But the most interesting part was that when I had reached him he was no longer interested. He made me go after him until he found some toy in the living room and that was it. He would sit up and play with the toy. Thanks for the fun mom but your time is up. I tell you when it's your turn again. And the most natural thing for me to do is to let him play. I happily play along if he invites me. But I also accept when my time is up.

The relaxing part of it - I don't have to come up with games and inventions that will entertain him. And that might bore him or overstimulate him. Quite often I read in forums from other mothers "what do you do with your kids at a certain age?" Well what I do with my son is I feed him, I change him, a bath him. I go out for a walk with him. These are the steady parts I have control over. The rest of the day is mainly up to him. He DOES. He plays. And I watch.

TiME TO PLAY. OR NOT.

Today we went to a Pikler parent-infant class for the first time. Although we try to raise our child to the Pikler / Gerber / RIE approach I still wasn't so sure what exactly to expect from such a class. Which was good because I like nice surprises.



After 10 months of "homecare" and only rare encounters between little Lman and other children I had no idea how he would behave in a new environment with 7 other kids his age, new toys, other mothers. Well - apparently he was amazed. I had just taken off his jacket and sat him down to take off mine when he happily crawled away into this big room full of toys big and small. For the next 20-30 minutes he was busy discovering. I sat back and watched. Every now and then he glanced at me just to make sure I was still there. Then he would happily continue his discovery tour. Sometimes he would sit next to me with a ball or a wooden toy in his hand and watch the others play. Then he would be off again. It was so amazing to see him act like this.

The great thing about this "special class" and why it is different from other infant or toddler classes is that the parents are mainly there to watch and accompany their kids. But not to entertain them.
In a parent forum where I keep reading and discussing (although I shouldn't) people (mothers) have been complaining about those classes (they keep complaining about Pikler/Gerber in general). They said there would be a strange atmosphere, it would be too quiet for a room full of kids and the teacher would be too dogmatic. So I was watching out for that. After a while I realised yes - it is quiet in there. Considering that there are 8 children it was fairly quiet but the reason for that was that the children were playing happily. Or not. They chose what to do. If they want to play they do so and they choose from the arrangement of toys. If they want to stick with their parents they do so and nobody is "forcing" or persuading them to do anything they don't want. So the kids are busy. Or not. Of course they interact, they fall and cry, maybe one is a bit rough to another and one cries. But apart from that it is a nice relaxed atmosphere. The mothers do not sit and talk about their diaper, feeding or parenting problems. They just observe and learn about their own kids.
So instead of complaining that this atmosphere is weird one should wonder why it is so nice and quiet in there. Nobody is telling the kids to shut up.

The teacher might seem dogmatic to a person who is not familiar with the Pikler / Gerber approach as it happened in our class today. When you hear for the first time to let your child be and that it is important if he is hitting his head somewhere you are allowed to find the teacher a bit strange. Otherwise you might find very helpful advise on a subject that is playing a very important role in your life.

This is not a usual parent-infant class where the parents go to entertain their kids. This class is for the kids to enjoy free play. And for the parents to observe. It is wonderful and I can't wait to go back next week.

FiNALLY CRAWLiNG - a lecture in patience

Just a couple of days before Christmas Leander has suddenly moved forwards. I had to watch him a while until he did it again. And again. And again. It was such a relief. For all of us.






I am not the most patient person in the world and my husband is neither. So you do the math on how much of patience our son has gained from both of us. And this is why the last few months have been quite tough for the Hilmar family. And a great lecture in patience.
When Leander was 6 months old I said to my husband "Won't be long until he's crawling. Look at his moves." Had I known by then how long it would still take I would have gone mad that moment.
Don't get me wrong. I was never one of those mothers desperate to have an early starter or worried he would be a bit behind in his development. And even if he would have been - with the surgery he had the best excuse for it. It was his frustration and his impatience that drove us all a bit mad. I was annoyed with Pikler and Gerber saying "watch your child. observe. Enjoy what he can do today and don't push him into doing something he is not ready for...." etc. I knew it was true and I tried. But on days when Leander wouldn't do anything but roll onto his belly and start crying out of frustration because he didn't know how to go on - it was hard. He started this game in the morning before I had finished my first cup of coffee and I had no idea how we both would survive the day.
Then, one day he discovered how to stand on hands and knees and this seemed to give him some self confidence. Something had happened and he realised this. Slowly. Again I said "He is close."
He was swinging back and forth while standing on hands and knees. Often. Sometimes he would give himself a push from his knees without moving his arms so he would fall head first on the floor. Tears. For weeks... I gave up on saying something.

A couple of weeks before Christmas I seriously thought he would never crawl. According to my mother in law my husband never did so I thought it's just in his genes. I was ready for it. I had realised that he was more into his fine motor skills anyway. When he found a toy with a label, a string or something he would try and grab that with his index finger and thumb. It was so cute to watch. Those little fingers. Trying to get pieces of fluff from the floor (telling me to clean up again?). So I figured he would do puzzles before he would set his feet on the ground.

And this was when he started to move. Slowly. First he was creeping. Using his arms to pull him along the floor. The next day you could see how he was looking for support from his legs. A couple of days later he was using arms and legs. And now he is just after me very very quickly. It is so great to watch. But the best thing is - he is so happy. So relieved. We have made his room and the living room safe for him to explore and this is what he does all day. We have removed the playpen and used pieces of that to secure places where he shouldn't be (near the stereo and plants etc.).

Interestingly the same day he started to move forward he sat up for the first time without falling right over again. It must have been absolutely exciting days for him. What I found most amazing was to watch his astonishment. He would sit up straight, lift his arms and watch them, turn them and twist his hands.

As if he could not believe that these were the same hands and arms that have just supported him on the floor. Over and over again he would hold his arms in front of him and watch. I was stunned. Pikler was right. Gerber was right. Sit and watch. Observe. Seriously, who needs TV ???

iNTERRUPTiON

When Leander was born his room was still a mess. It did not bother me because I thought he will live with us in the living room for a year or so. His cot and his changing table were in his room, but the playpen and all his toys cutely decorated our living space. And I thought this was the way it was supposed to be. Until I read about Montessori's thoughts on infants.

I knew that Pikler was all for the playpen, preferably outside in the garden. Well we don't have a garden and summer has been rather sad so Leander's main play area was our living room. Then I read "In a Montessori Home" which is just a brief collection of thoughts she had on infants and how the house should be prepared. In that she mentions that even those little children should have a bed they can easily climb in and out on their own to decide themselves when to sleep and when not (this especially applying to the daytime naps). Of course this bed can only be used once the little person is able to crawl but when Leander was close to 6 months old we thought this could happen anytime soon. We did not know what to expect but some early starters I know are already very active at this age.
So we decided to clear out his room and make space for him. We moved the playpen in so he could get used to being in this room, to accept this as HIS room. And suddenly the living room looked very much like us again. It was weird and at first he would not stay in there on his own for too long. But I have a chair in there too for the nightly feeding times so I would sit in the chair and read or knit or just watch him play.

Only when I was cooking or cleaning I would take him back with me to the living room so I would not have to run around and about all the time. Over the last few weeks I began to leave him more and more often in his room, I stayed in his playpen with him, hidden somewhere happily watching him learn to crawl and sit up (which he still struggles to achieve).
At the weekend we were cooking lunch for him and had him back in the living room with us. I have usually a blanket there (he rolls off pretty soon) and some toys (he often ignores cos the books on the shelf look more interesting). Jan was cooking and I sat on the sofa watching little Lman play. He had a cuddly sheep in his hands, the sheep has two straps and he was going to discover those (as those little persons do - enjoy straps and labels rather than the toy itself). But everytime Jan said something to me or made noise in the kitchen Leander would look up and "forget" to play with the sheep. He usually went back but another noise and he was interrupted again. I watched this for a while and got really annoyed.

Ever since I tried even harder to leave him in his room. I'm there with him when he is asking for me and I'm only taking him with me in the living room/kitchen for feeding times at lunch and at dinner. And quite often when I do the laundry or something all I hear from his room is some "lalala" and when I secretly go and check he is very busy discovering.

It was a very interesting experience to see him get distracted so easily.
And how many parents have their children in the living room or take them into every room in the house they are just doing something in (as far as I know even the toilet) because they are scared to leave the little ones alone for a moment? So how often do these children get interrupted in their play ?
I know not everybody has the space for an extra room for the child but in that case try and limit the surrounding actions in the area the child is playing in. And most importantly: have a constant play area somewhere, don't move your child around too much. If this space is safe you can easily leave your child in there for a moment while you go to the toilet for example.
I have discovered that Leander was really uneasy in the living room without the playpen around him but very happy in his own room. He knows this place and space and feels comfortable in it. This is where he can play and discover all straps and labels and little features in the wooden floor.

read more about the uninterrupted play here

THE GRANDPARENTS

A friend recently asked me about the "problems" with grandparents when you are focused on one (not very common) way of raising your child. I don't have any problems with the grandparents though, because like my child I decided to "let them be".






Obviously I thought about it before. And I haven't been as easy going about this from the start. We have also been so excited about our "method" (it just sounds so technical) that we dropped opinions and attitudes wherever we went. When this was my parents in law's house we had a discussion about the rocking, bouncing and carrying of babies. My mother in law told us proudly how - when Jan was little - his father constructed a system of strings in the bedroom so whenever little Jan started to cry they just had to pull the strings attached to their bed and little Jan went back to sleep eventually. We mentioned our approach, that we don't want to do any of this and mumbled some explanations. We also had her put Leander back on the sofa when he started crying after she picked him up. It worked. But only for him.
Ever since this discussion comes up again and again and you can tell that sometimes she is a little insecure about what she is "allowed" to do.

With my mother, who came to visit after we had the discussion with the "in laws" I decided to take the small road. I told her about Emmi Pikler, about those principles and what we liked about them. I made sure I did not sound reproachful. Because in the end they are our parents. They raised us and I'm sure they were just trying to do a good. Just like we are trying now. So I'm certainly not standing here with a parenting experience of a few months telling my mom, who raised two kids, what she has done wrong.

Of course I would love all people that have contact with Leander to be as thoughtful and respectful as I am trying to be. To be aware of the principles behind. But even we fail from time to time. And this is ok, this is how we learn, this is how we reflect. That does not mean that Leander is raised the wrong way on some days. He just learns that things can go wrong or - to not sound so negative - different. And so he will realise for himself that his grandparents do things different. Do different things to him. If they hold and bounce him up and down. Let them do so. If they pick him up without telling him before - he'll survive. It will not disturb what we have built up over time. And it will not disturb the relationship to our beloved parents.
There is the exception for the gross motor development. We would not want them to "help" Leander crawl, sit or walk. But fortunately so far they have not intended to do so.

And yes I do imagine there will be times when he is older and spending longer periods at his grandparents, that he gets home and we have to "fix" some habits. But this would be the case no matter which way we are raising our child. Because this it what grandparents are there for: to allow later bedtimes and chocolate before breakfast. And this is what WE loved OUR grandparents for.

so yeah... let them be.


on this topic also read this post by Janet Lansbury

WHY iS PiKLER SUCH A NiCHE ?

The other day my friend, who is also raising her child after the Pikler method, asked me "But how come it is still such a niche? It all sounds so logical but why do only so few parents pick up on it?" And I began to wonder...







The first answer I found was that Emmi Pikler is always related to her orphanage in Budapest. Most people think that it was there that she developed and researched all the principles she came up with. From this they conclude that the principles aren't compliant to single families with one or two children. This is one misunderstanding I wanted to clear up for a while now.

Emmi Pikler started to rethink early childhood development much earlier when she was a medicine student and working in a children's hospital with Prof. von Pirquet and Prof. Salzer. Both were as much interested in the children's wellbeing and motor development as they were in their health. They put the intensity of care time, a nice and friendly atmosphere and the understanding of the importance of the gross motor development as high up on the scale as the need for medication and surgery.
When Pikler's first child was born she and her husband decided to take that into account and let her move freely and patiently wait and watch her development.

Later when she was working as a pediatrician herself she developed this knowledge further and gave advice to hundreds of families. She also started thinking about the intensity of care and wrote first articles, gave lectures and in 1940 wrote her first book. This was six years before she opened the orphanage Lóczy. Only here she seriously studied and researched her insights. The way she chose nurses and gave the children a warm atmosphere, allowing them to develop freely was just extraordinary and this is what she then became famous for. It does not mean that her principles can not be adapted to children in families. If anything - most of them SHOULD be adapted - especially when it comes to care times and undivided attention the child really needs. But this is not the topic here.

The other argument that the Pikler method can be adapted to families is Magda Gerber's work. She had learned from Emmi Pikler first as a mother when she watched Pikler dealing with her daughter in a certain way and was amazed. She then worked as an assistant to Pikler in the Lóczy orphanage. In the 1950s she emigrated to the USA and worked with a pediatrician where she used the knowledge she gained from Emmi Pikler. From this experience she founded the „Resources for Infant Educarers“ (RIE) organisation where the Pikler principles are passed on to parents in classes and play groups.

Now having cleared that up I believe there are some more reasons why Pikler is still a niche.

For once - there is still a lot of belief out there that parents should not read any books on parenting or take advice from others. Many women appeal on their instincts and feelings. I thought that too until I had a child and realised that my instincts are either hidden somewhere or I am not capable of using them. And why is it that so many parents in the end do raise questions along the way? Because their instincts aren't the answer to everything and I believe it is good to have a framework to rely on and work with your emotions within that. This will help you not to focus too much on what you read but also help you when things are out of control and your instincts let you down.

Another answer to the question of this post I believe is that the Pikler method is too "cold" for many parents. When you read about it or mention it to others it does not sound like the cuddly and loving method people think about when they are expecting a baby. When people first hear about letting your child be, let it lie on the floor and play independently, don't interfere - they think this is cruel. They do not continue to read until they find out about the loving and warm intensity of care and feeding times. About the way "Pikler parents" should sit and watch their child, get to know this little human being while showing respect and appreciation.
Most parents misunderstand love with physical attachment. But there is more to it.

And last but not least I believe Emmi Pikler's principles are (don't get me wrong here) somewhat "too difficult" to some parents. Not in a way they don't understand it but in the way of patience and holding back. I have to agree - sometimes it is hard to resist to give your child this little push he just needs to finally roll over on to his belly for the first time. But look at the child's face when he finally manages himself. The happy smile of achievement. And yes, some nights are hard when you decide not to plug your childs mouth with a pacifier but help him get through the tough first weeks until he is able to find his thumb to comfort himself. But believe me - this is all worth it too (read here)
And of course - there are all these toys out there and most of them you want to play with yourself (admit it) and now this Emmi Pikler says you should let your child play alone and just sit and watch? Well yes, this can be difficult too (although she is not saying you never should - you should just wait until your child invites you to play with him). But I experience observing my child as really satisfying and much more entertaining than any TV show.

So these are a few thoughts why I believe Pikler and Gerber are still a niche. If you have some more - feel free to share and comment. Because I am not just interested in the reasons but also solutions on how to help parents find out about Pikler earlier and with a better understanding and learn about about a parenting method that is so exciting and satisfying !

BEST PRACTiCE - NO PRACTiCE

A great part of the Pikler philosophy is the child's motor skills development. What she is saying is that you should not interact, not practice any sitting up, standing or walking, just let the baby develop in his own time.



Thankfully a lot of people agree with that even though they might not be convinced by others of her principles, but still when walking around out and about you see so many parents "walking" their children, who cannot do that themselves, having them sit on their laps for long coffee shop visits etc.... What struck me most though when I was reading about the development of the baby's motor skills on the internet was that most websites were advising to put the baby on the belly for some times during the day to help the child develop neck strength and the ability to lift his upper body. Rather listening to Pikler than those websites the only times I put our son onto his belly was during care times.

This week we had the third pedriatic appointment and the doctor put our son on his belly when he then instantly liftet up his entire upper body, basically "standing" on his hands. I had not seen this before and was pretty amazed.
During the last week he also practiced the comfortable lie on one side of his body.
We have not practiced any of this with him. He is 3,5months old so all of this is part of his normal development.

My advice contrary to most other internet advices on the development of babies is: Do less. Best practice is no practice!

YOU CAN'T SPOiL THEM...

... is what I often hear from parents especially those who are committed to the attachment parenting method. And I agree. But...




... you can form a habit. I haven't been a parent for long but I have met some women who carry their child around with them since day one. And most of them realised problems by putting their baby down just for a second. And I do believe that this might be related to the fact that those children are USED to be carried around.

Recently I answered a question in a parents discussion forum. The mother said that she is carrying around her child most of the day, she can't do anything in the household or for herself and the baby would start crying as soon as she would put him down on the blanket or sofa. Her relatives said she would spoil the child and so she was worried (and a bit annoyed by the fact of not being able to do anything at all). So I wrote she cannot spoil the child - that's right, but she can "help" him get used to be carried around and that she should try to just put him down day after day a little longer while staying with him and showing him her presence, comforting him when he gets upset.
Most of the women who replied to this post started then "attacking" me of accusing the mother of having done wrong. So me saying that her child got used to be carried around suddenly was the biggest problem and the whole discussion was on me. I can understand that it is tough to hear that you have done wrong and I didn't want to say that (and in words I never did). I just read her question and obviously she had a problem. And only later I figured out that the mothers attacking me were supporters of the attachment parenting method.

I am not a big fan of this myself for several reasons but I do think that this method can be taken too serious. When I mentioned that I am educating my child to Emmi Pikler's ideas I was told that I should not focus on it too much and should not follow ALL her principles. This was said by the women who think that you MUST have your child close to your body from day one. I agree that newborns need much body contact. But I also believe that it might help to watch your child and his reactions. Our son fell asleep on my or my husbands chest for the first days. We let him do so and even now he sometimes falls asleep "on me" when he is really tired. But he also needs his space, he loves lying around on his back and he always did. He likes the pram, only sometimes for short distances I carry him in a sling and as soon as I take him out and put him down on the sofa he stretches himself and laughs at me. He does not need to be carried around in this sling all day, he is not spoilt but he is not unhappy either. I believe he is still attached to me. So what I am saying is - before you have your child in a carrying device every day all day long - watch him. How does he feel on his own on the back for some time? Do not form a habit either way, just let him decide what he feels most comfortable with.

And don't take your child to the toilet in the sling or any carrying device with you (yes I hear women do that). A child deserves privacy. So do you.

I was inspired to this post by a recent blog post by Janet Lansbury - "Problems with attachment parenting" where a mother has addressed the same problem as the mother in the forum I mentioned above. Obviously Janet's advice is much more professional than I could write it.

2 MONTHS iNTO PARENTiNG

When you don't have a child, people accuse you of having no idea. When you have a 8 week old child people tell you to wait a few more weeks or months. In fact I believe that especially those first 8-12 weeks are very hard, nerve wrecking and therefore important.


First of all you're whole life is turning upside down.
You have seen babies cry but you have never held a screaming little red head in your arms not knowing what else to do. You deal with all sorts of feeding problems, not matter if it's noon or the middle of the night. You wonder if what you feed is enough and if the little one is developing well. And most of all you learn to not do too much.
Despite all that the child has to get used to his own new life that has turned upside down even more. And on top of all that he has to get to know his parents, those big heads that appear above his tiny head and every now and then and speak a language he just doesn't understand.

Our son is 8 1/2 weeks old it feels like we had him for years though. There have bee tough days, hard nights but also very relaxed and happy times. Never has it been easy. If he doesn't sleep you worry why and what to do. If he sleeps most of the day and the nights with only one feed you worry if he is alright. Is he eating a lot you worry if he could be overeating (if at all this is possible-but what isn't in parenting world?), if he is not so hungry you are worried if he is developing well. The list is endless.

But for now I believe we have done quite well.

I have to admit we have read a few books, sometimes I wanted to throw them out of the window and I was worried if we read too much and forgot to listen to ourselves. But in the end I am glad we read them because the helped me a lot. Being a mom for the first time you don't necessarily have all those instincts, you don't always just KNOW what to do. And you might end up going different directions.

One of the biggest problems was the crying of course. It doesn't take long to learn the difference between hungry crying or just unhappy crying. So far he is not too bothered by wet diapers, so this is usually out of the question although we do check them of course. It is easy to say you should let your baby cry every now and then and then hold this tiny unhappy person in your arms. But we figured that the holding and letting him cry does help a lot. Quite often he sleeps very long and well after a crying period, during the day he continues to play and smile and "talk" all by himself.

Another challenge were the first growing spurts. He just wanted to feed constantly and was nagging in the short periods in between. At some point I just wanted to run and get him a pacifier to save myself from feeling like a cow. I didn't and I realised that he never really needed one because those were just days or hours. If I would have given him a pacifier he would have kept him for months, maybe years. Instead he found his thumb last night and started to calm himself with that if necessary. This is a big step to his independence.

After three weeks we moved our son out of the bedroom. It sounds harder than it is. We had visited my husbands parents and there it was handy that our son slept in the room next door, there was just more space for him. This was when we realised that we slept much better with him being away a little as he makes weird noises throughout the night. His REM phases are very loud, he might even scream in his dream and I would wake up all the time. So when we got back he moved in his own room and has been sleeping there ever since. The doors are open and we do hear him when he starts to cry, even a bit nagging we hear. Once I jumped out of bed when I heard him and by the time I was in the hall he was gone back to sleep. Now I usually wait and see if he is really awake and hungry or just awake on his way back to dreamland. The reward is that since he is 8 weeks old he only really wakes up once during the night to feed.
I would not judge parents that share a bed with their children but I could not sleep and I assume I would feed my son more often because every time he would wake up I would just feed him instead of checking if there is anything else or anything at all.

A very modern way of "keeping your baby happy" are those several carrying devices. I admit that we own one of those wraps or slings (whatever they are called). I did not use them until he was able to hold his head on his own for a little bit. Of course they are quite handy especially when you have a short trip to do. We live on the third floor with no lift and with the little man developing very well (despite all my worries) it is a real workout to carry his pram up and down more than one time a day.
But those short trips I take with him in the sling are enough. For me and for him. He is just not such a cuddly person everyone is talking about. They all say that those little babies need so much body contact, love and attachment. Well he seems to be very happy just on his own lying on his back discovering he hands and fingers and the first vowels coming out of his mouth. And who says I'm giving him not enough love when I breastfeed him, take my time to change him and hold him when he needs to cry his frustration and anger all out ? I am also there when he offers smiles and happy faces and I share them with him.
I believe that there are babies that need more of all this and some don't. But I also believe that parents tend not to take their time to check what sort of person their child is. I have met several women that told me that their child does not want to lie on the back, does not want to lie in the pram. They also admitted that they have been carrying their child around from the first day. I feel free to see a connection here...

Every mother has to find her own way but she should not put her needs before her child's needs. Sometimes I do want to pick up my son and hold him and cuddle him and tell him how much I love him. But watching him play so peacefully and happy gives me the same thrill. And a smiley happy child that does hardly cry during the day should be proof enough that we are doing ok.



The books we read are:
"Your Self-confident baby" by Magda Gerber
"Tears and Tantrums - What to do when babies and children cry" by Aletha Solter
"Friedliche Babies, zufriedene Mütter" by Emmi Pikler

LEAVE ME ALONE !

When I first heard of the Pikler parenting method I was very surprised by her attitude of leaving your child alone to play. And I was relieved. How often do you see parents and relatives take a little newborn out of their crib just like that, throw it in the air, shake it and carry it around. Without warning, without asking they interrupt the little ones action - even if that is just lying there and looking around. I always felt sorry for the baby that had no choice but be part of the "fun".

On sunday we experienced our first Pikler - situation of "Let your child be". A friend came over for a visit. I had just fed our son and my husband had changed his diaper. Happy and satisfied he was lying on the sofa still trying hard to move his hands into his mouth. Our friend went over to him, picked him up and held him in front of her face. Immediately he started crying so she began to wonder why. Nervously she started shaking and rocking him, making funny sounds and laughing. The little one continued crying until my husband suggested she should just put him back down because that might be what he wanted. Eventually after a few more rocking rounds he did not enjoy she put him down. He stopped crying and went back to his hands as if nothing had happened.

The problem with "Letting your child be" is that many parents think you are not allowed to play with your child at all, to hold him, to cuddle him. Of course you are allowed and you SHOULD do all that. But you shouldn't do it when it is convenient to YOU, when YOU have a spare moment, when YOU feel like cuddling.
Do not forget that your child is a human too and he has his needs to be alone and play by himself. A few weeks ago he was thrown out of his comfortable warm 24hour restaurant called "uterus" so he needs time to adjust to this world, to find his place, to grasp.
So rather than presenting your child with your constant presence lean back and watch him. Figure out what he is up to and what he needs when he cries. You will learn when it is okay for him to interact with you, when he wants you to hold him, to cuddle him. Enjoy those moments when it's right for both of you but also enjoy the spare time you gain by not entertaining your child constantly.

Also - A child's attention span will be much longer when it is allowed to play with something he chooses not something you put into his hands or in front of his head. See it like that - most of the time you enjoy a magazine/book/article you choose to read much more than a magazine someone just put into your hands because he or she think you should read that right now!! you want to read it when you are in the mood. And you will eventually read it. Interested. With full concentration. Your child will do the same. With the toys it chooses himself!

ONE WEEK iNTO PARENTiNG

A week ago I sat on the sofa like I do now. I was wondering if the contractions I had were enough to get me into labor. A few hours later my water broke and only an hour after that I was holding our little son in my arm suddenly realising that I made it. And that from that minute I was a mother. The journey of parenting had started and I was more than ready to jump right into it.

The same day we left the hospital and made ourselves comfortable at home. Everything you think about and try to plan suddenly becomes a little routine. The changing table is used for the first time, those tiny little clothes are brought to life. And some cute button eyes are slowly opening to the world.
Since labor started in the middle of the night we hadn't slept at all and were really tired yet too excited to lie down. That we paid for with a few nerves the next night when the little one was trying to tell us that something was bothering him but we were just too exhausted to figure it out. So I left the bedroom, gave the father some silence to gain some sleep and took care of our son slowly trying to get to know him. To understand him. It worked. With me being more relaxed, taking some time, he relaxed too and we both got some sleep. Patience it was that was needed...

A couple of days later we tried to get the little one to sleep in his own bed. Of course it felt cosy having him right next to us the first night but it's just not right to have him squeezed between us with one of us always being scared of rolling over him. And also he's not a squeeze toy here to entertain us, to make us feel good. He is a human and needs his own space. It does not mean that we don't love him since that seems to be the modern answer to parents keeping their baby in their bed for months or even years.
A couple of nights it only worked for a while until he started crying. Until we figured out that it was just too cold for him so we changed the inside and now he happily sleeps in it while we can enjoy a more relaxed sleep in our bed.
The getting up to breastfeed him isn't a problem either. Women complain that it is too hard to get up with the baby so they rather have it in bed and just feed it lying there. I take my time, sit with him in the living room and talk to him while he gets fed. It's a special time and he deserves to get all attention needed.

A slight bigger challenge is the pacifier question. Well it's not so much a question for us since we definitely don't want to use one. But with him not being able to find his thumb on his own it is sometimes difficult for him to comfort himself. Of course that's not what we want anyway, we'd rather find out what's actually bothering him so he does not need to comfort himself for any reason. But with only one week gone this is a tough learning process. So far I think we are doing fine. Most of the time we actually do figure out what is wrong with him (wet diaper, too cold, hungry etc...). It takes time and certainly patience but it helps so much to get to know him better and it's much more satisfying than just stuffing his little mouth with a plastic thingy.

The most joyful times so far are the times when we just watch him like a TV show. In his wake moments we just put him on the sofa and watch him discover his hands or the world around him. Whatever of that he is realising. Over and over again he is slowly moving his hand into his mouth, still a little uncoordinated movement not knowing that it's his own hand that ends up in his mouth from time to time. But it's a learning process and we will not interfere but watch with excitement. Whoever thinks little babies can be bored is wrong. They only have a few wake moments a day and those they use happily to discover themselves. They don't need bright and shiny colourful noise making toys. They don't need mommy or daddy jumping up and down, making funny faces or carrying them around all day touching and cuddling them.
We are there for him when he needs us. That is important.

I don't know if I have thought it was easier or not. It certainly is a challenge to rather NOT do things than do too many. But it's important to listen to your own instinct. And your child. As a human, not as a helpless little creature.
A lot we have learned so far with patience being the most important one. I'm looking forward to see him discover the world and us the joys of parenting a respected child.

TOGETHER

There are two types of people when it comes to pregnancy literature. Some eat all the books they can find and some are proud of not having read a single page. I do admit that I had too many books which were mainly given to me by friends. So I started reading here and there and figured they all basically say the same. But NONE tells you anything about parenting. Most of them go on about pregnancy, birth and the first few weeks with the baby. They all give you the same information and half way through pregnancy I put them in the shelf cos I thought I knew enough to go through the last months.
But if I wouldn't have been given the advice of thinking about parenting before the child is born I might have forgotten about it. It's not the first thing on your mind, it is not mentioned in any of those thousands of books and you think this is something you come up with along the way. And this is the problem!

You can read about premature contractions or best ways to start labor when you get to that point. But you cannot educate a child "along the way" without having at least agreed basic thoughts with your partner. Plus for him it is much more interesting to talk about something you both have no experience in. With pregnancy he might always feel a bit behind because it's HER who's growing, who's carrying the baby, who's feeling all the changes. He is scared, he gets thrown into the whole thing when the baby is born.

One thing I really wanted to clarify with my husband were basic situations in parenting. Such as "Do we use a pacifier?" "Does the child need a certain bed time or not?" etc. His parents and mine are like day and night so I figured he must have been raised a different way than I was. So I needed to make sure that we will find a basis on how we will raise OUR own child. But this came along with the interest in Pikler and we started reading and talking and fortunately agreed in most cases. Of course there will still be situations we are not prepared for and we will have to discuss. But there is a safe basis we've laid out.

Another problem with parents who do not talk about parenting before having a child is, that they might end up making mistakes more often than others. I'm not saying we will do everything right just because we are in the safe haven of Pikler but without having any thoughts on some basic parenting questions they are more likely to do something wrong. They will discover difficult situations they haven't thought about more often and they will be nervous. And once something went wrong it will be much more difficult to adjust, to fix.

I can only speak for me - but those evenings when we sat together, looking forward to the wee ones arrival, discussing how we will raise it, teach it, watch it and enjoy it - gave me the security of us being in the right place. And after all the discussions before I got pregnant of if and when I knew we were ready for it, I knew we could do it. I knew we could do it TOGETHER.