Instead of "Please say Thank you." I think: "I trust you."

When I go and pick up Leander from the creche he comes running towards me and cannot wait to go. Well at least out to the front garden where the bigger children play. He does not turn back. He does not say „Good bye.“ I know that this is something I can not force him to do. But the teachers are making a real effort in meeting and greeting all the children by their names. Every day they say „Good bye Leander, see you tomorrow.“ Sometimes I ask him if he wants to say Good bye. Sometimes he does. Sometimes not.

I know that teaching a child when to say Hello, Thank you or Sorry is not necessary. And I don‘t. Yet there is this tiny bit of „Good behaviour“ that I have learned from my parents and the society‘s critical look sitting in my neck.

Then I remember how my mom used to tell me to say Thank you to my granny for my birthday or Christmas presents. And although I obviously had done it already I did so again and when we left the house I did again. And still wasn‘t sure if that was enough. When I grew older and Christmas presents resulted in a money transfer to my bank account my mom would call me to ask if I had called my granny. Again I wasn‘t sure how often I should call her to make sure she knew that I indeed was grateful. It was awful and even today I am sometimes not sure how to thank people. Is it enough to say it? Do I have to give something back? How often can one say „I‘m sorry“ so the other one really believes that I AM sorry indeed? How often do we say sorry, although we aren‘t really?

Alfie Kohn has made it quite clear: ‘Thinking a child is going to feel sorry just because you make him say he’s sorry? The only thing that’s going to do is teach the child to lie about his feelings!’

So no. No matter how much society expects my son to be well behaved. I am not teaching him to say „Hello.“ to somebody stretching out his hand towards him. Because I trust him that he can learn that himself. He watches us. Watches society. Carefully and closely. You might think is a little out of space, sitting in his stroller, sucking his thumb. Instead he is trying hard to get to know the world around him.

The other night I was lying next to him in his bed waiting for him to go to sleep. He suddenly sat up and asked: „Mommy, where are you?“ I said „I‘m right here.“ But it was so dark, he couldn‘t see me. So he startet crawling around to find me and he accidentally kicked his knee on my head. It didn‘t hurt much and I didn‘t say anything. Suddenly I felt a tiny warm hand stroking my forehad and Leander whispering: „I‘m sorry mommy.“
That‘s how I know that I can trust him.

THEORY, iNSTiNCT AND PRACTiCE

This year I decided NOT to give my husband a book for his birthday as he always asked for one, got one and that was it. I thought I should be more creative. I tried but my ideas didn't really fit in the little spare time I have without son and husband, I'm not too organised right now and in the end - hubby was really really asking for this one book. So I got it for him. Again. Alfie Kohn's "Unconditional parenting" was the number one on the list this year.

Of course I was thrilled that after over one year of talking about parenting, discussing and reflecting he still wanted to read into it more and more. And yes, I am aware that I am quite lucky to have a father like that for my son.
But when we were both sitting in the living room, him reading Alfie Kohn, me deep into Naomi Aldort's "Raising our children, raising ourselves" I came to think about all the discussions about reading too much instead of trusting my instinct when it comes to parenting. Well from what I can say - a good mix of both is very healthy.

As said previously it was my boss who got me into the whole parenting world and on to the RIE approach. Luckily me and my husband felt right there the minute we read about Emmi Pikler and her work. We were happy to find the books by Magda Gerber that were a bit more "to date" and many many more books on mindful parenting, respecting children and so on. Very early we have found our basis, our path and are now enjoying a wonderful journey with our son. But of course I can understand the people who question the use (or non-use) of our instincts in this whole parenting process.

Well, I was a bit concerned about that myself for a while. But the more we all grew together, the more the theory from the books became practice the more I felt the need to use my instinct. Because despite the not uncommon misinterpretation of RIE such as "a lot about it not being compatible with an instinctual style of parenting" (see the very recent debate as posted on Janet Lansbury's blog) it is very very much to do with instincts and the trust to let your baby lead your way. I just think it is much easier to trust yourself, to listen to yourself AND your baby when you know where you want to go and how to get there. To raise an independent, self confident, relaxed and happy child is what we all want but how to do so is NOT something that is inside our head and heart from the minute the child is born. Because what we sometimes take as instinct I believe is rather habit, taken over from the parenting style we were raised to (and many of us DON'T want to raise their kids to). When I am stressed, edgy or annoyed by whatever what I realise that I fall into a behaviour pattern I then realise as my mother's. The feared sentence "I'm turning into my mother" comes to my head. That's exactly what I don't want but what in 30years has grown inside me and bitten onto every bone in my body. That doesn't mean it is right to accept and go with it, instead I think it is important to question it and try to break through these behaviour patterns.

Think of all these daily examples of parents and grandparents picking up the babies in a rush of love and affection, the habit of walking your baby, the sentence "I'm so proud of you" when a child is fulfilling our expectations. Instinctual you do all that but that doesn't mean that it is neither necessary nor good or helpful.

Our instinct is there in the first place, it tells us what parenting style feels right for us, but after that first very relevant task we should give it a break and open our minds. We as parents grow as well, and it is inevitable that we do. We can not expect our children to develop if we don't do the same and therefore we need to discover what is instinct and what is habit. When we are willing to do so we will feel our instinct changing, developing and becoming more and more important again. And in the end the books, the theory and ourselves are becoming one. One solid rock raising your self-confident child.