YOU ARE jUST LiKE... YOURSELF!

In the book "Siblings without rivalry" is a whole chapter about comparison. How much effect it can have when you compare one sibling to the other. I thought about it and was happy that (so far) I am not comparing those two. And that I couldn't really imagine doing so. Ever. Until one day I heard myself say to Mona: "Oh you like that left thumb? Just like your brother." Bam.

Just like that I had compared my children. Not in a bad way. But this is how it starts right? Especially with small children who constantly achieve some milestones. The second one will always be compared to the first. The first tooth, the first smile, the first steps. I constantly compare the two regarding sleeping  or nursing habits. Not in front of each other. But in front of family and friends when they raise the topic. And of course Mona is around most of the time. She listens.

Is that bad? I don't think it's bad to tell one child when he did his first steps in comparison to when the other one did. As long as it remains a story you tell. Not more. Can you do that?
So why not stop the whole thing right there. And start seeing your children as completely different personalities? Which they are !

I like those little challenges in life. Stopping to smoke. Stopping to praise. Remembering to smile more often. To check on my body tension every now and then. So my new challenge is to NOT compare my children to each other.

It's not easy in a world that is based on competition. But what makes our children stand up to it is not lesson after lesson in comparison by weighing one against the other. It's a lifelong lesson in supporting them in whatever they do and what lies within them. Loving them for who they are. Unconditionally.

“Comparison is the death of joy.” (Mark Twain)

Today one of the kindergarden teachers looked at Mona sleeping in her pram and said: "She is really calm." I nodded and said "Yeah she is just like that." and was about to add: "Leander was the same at that age." Instead I just smiled and didn't say anything else.

THE SECOND WiFE

Last night I told Leander that today I will come to pick him up from the kindergarden with his Dad. Since I've given birth I was rather resting at home and Jan had done the kindergarden round. From next week on this will be my job again so today is gonna be a first trial. Leander seemed happy and when he told me: "Mama picking up. Papa picking up. Mona picking up." although I hadn't mentioned her before I realized that he has now accepted his sister as part of the family.

I can't say it has been an easy walk for him. But we never expected that.



Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish mention in her book "Siblings Without Rivalry" one situation:

"Imagine that your spouse puts an arm around you and says, "Honey, I love you so much, and you're so wonderful that I've decided to have another wife just like you."

At first I thought this might be a little exaggerated. But the more I thought about it and the more I watched Leander being referred to as the "big boy" or "big brother" even before the baby was born so often I realized - this is exactly how he must feel!

As soon as it is clear that your bump is surely not just too much chocolate and ice cream but in fact a growing baby belly people ask you about you're well being, the due date and the sex of the baby. And if Leander was around people almost always turned to him and said: "So you're gonna be a big brother! How exciting!"
He usually just looked at them slowly reaching for his thumb to put in his mouth.

And so it begins. Mom is the center of attention and everyone keeps talking about "the baby". Until one day you come home from kindergarden and there it is. The baby. The "little sister" called Mona. And before you can grasp it, before you get to realize what this tiny little bundle comes with it all goes on.

"So you're a big brother now!" 
"How do you like your little sister?"
"Are you excited?"
"What's her name?"
"You need to be really careful around her!"
...

And they all say that with a glance of joy and excitement in their eyes. Only Leander was not so excited. So joyful. So happy.
He did smile when he saw her. He wanted to hold her, hug her, kiss her. He was very very gentle. And although it was so adorable to watch I found it really important not to get too excited. I wanted it to be normal and natural. And not something we had to act all surprised to. I didn't want him to feel as if I did not trust him to be like that.
And I also knew he needed time. And he didn't know yet what this all meant for him in the long term. That Mama would be cuddled up with the little sister for many hours of the day feeding her. That whenever Mona would wake up Mama would have to "leave" - may that be during play, meal times or bed time rituals. That this apparently fun little sister wasn't so much fun yet. Basically just lying there sleeping or eating being all cute and adored by the whole family and everyone who came to visit.
And so slowly you could watch Leander become a little less interested in his sister. And not excited by people referring to him as the big brother.

It was just all too normal that he fought. That he "acted out" and asked for every bit of attention he could get. Using all sorts of strategies he knew would get our focus. And while I was tired and lacking patience it made me so sad seeing him like that. Because the thought of my husband coming home with another beautiful and adorable woman, preferably a few years younger, maybe funnier just makes me want to shout and scream and throw things too.

And again I was thankful to be prepared. To not say things like "You are a big boy now you have to be ..." (choose one from the list of responsible, reasonable, quiet, careful, loving etc...) or something like that. Because these are the sentences we know from our own childhood, from relatives and our own parents. Sentences we say quite often without even thinking about. And I am not blaming the grandparents who came to visit and say them all. Let's say I am just glad to have quickly erased them after they have left and filled the blanks with a hug, a cuddle or a "This is all very new and confusing for you I guess?" that was usually answered with a quiet thumb sucking nod.

So together I think we made it through the first struggles quite ok. We are still trying to find a routine so that everyone gets his piece of the Mama/wife cake. But with little Mona growing and finding a rhythm we will get there. And one day Leander will be the proud big brother. Until then he is and stays my little boy.

THERE iS A BABY COMiNG. SO WHAT ?

In January Leander will become a big brother. I had a lot of ideas and images in my mind on what it will be like being pregnant and having a toddler. And again I had to learn quite a few lessons over the past 34 weeks.

When we discussed that we want to have a second child and when that should be we had a few thoughts in mind. My own brother was 5 years older than me. A tad too old if you ask me, certainly if you want the two to play along when they are little. All I can remember is being a stone tied to my brothers legs until we were both teenagers and started to get along really well. But I certainly didn't want the second child to be born too early after the first either. I enjoyed watching Leander grow and develop so much that I wanted this exclusive time not just for him but for myself too. I figured that I wouldn't be able to sit and observe him the way I am still doing it. Until the age of 3 so many developmental milestones are happening - I just would not want to miss any of it. Or only be half present.

And there were a few practical things I had in mind. I had the idea of Leander being out of diapers so I would only have to change one child. And I wanted him to be able to walk most of the ways we are going daily himself. So I'd only have to push the pram and have a toddler walking next to me.

I also had the idea of Leander being this toddler that's all excited about his mommy being pregnant. About that little boy asking awkward questions about how the baby got into my belly and how it will get out. What it will look like and when it will finally come. And most importantly I wanted him to be able to communicate with words. So once the baby is here he'd be able to say that he wants her to "go away" rather than hitting her or throwing a tantrum. Because no - I am not as naive thinking that he might be all happy and excited about this new arrival. In fact - I would find that really worrying.

So yeah. Many thoughts and ideas that crossed my mind before I got pregnant for the second time.
And now - 34 weeks into this pregnancy I have learned a few lessons.

I do know that development just won't stop. But I am very glad to still be able to carefully watch and enjoy everything that is going on right now. Most of it is related to speech. Leander also started singing songs and counting randomly. I am laughing. A lot. With him. And about him, yes. I admit it. I try not to do so in front of him and when I can't stop I explain why I am laughing. It's just too funny the sentences he creates. The songs he sings back to front and upside down. Combining them withe the actions he learned in the creche. I am simply enjoying every minute I am spending with him.

Regarding the practical thoughts I had... well with a bit of clarity and the fact that I simply CAN'T pick Leander up anymore he is very cooperative with me. He does know that his dad is still able to carry him around and up and down the stairs so he gets this treatment on weekends. But when he is with me he walks. A lot. I am pushing the stroller home empty all the way from the creche. That means taking twice as long as we would if he'd be sitting in it but that's fine. If we would have the time in the mornings we could probably leave the whole thing behind us in general. But so far we are happily using it in the early, dark and cold winter mornings and will somehow figure out a way on how to do that once the baby is here.

The diaper is a story of its own. Over the past year I have read a lot into that topic and came to the simple conclusion that there is nothing I can do to speed up this process. Well - nothing I want to do. So much of it is related to his development physically and psychologically that we decided to completely follow his lead there. Right now this means that most of the days he walks around in underwear. Only sometimes he insists on wearing diapers in the mornings but will change into underpants at some point during the day. There are hardly any accidents. He knows where the potty is, what it is for and he uses it. Still he likes to wear diapers every now and then and if that gives him the feeling of security - fine by me. Because somehow I have the feeling that this is what he is asking for A LOT at the moment. Security. He needs constant reassurance of what is happening and when. That I will fully be with him once I've finished what I am doing. That we are there when he asks for us at night. What Dad is doing. Who is picking him up from the creche in the afternoon. And so on.
It's like this big ship out on the ocean, the coast line behind slowly vanishing but the one on the other side not visible yet. So he keeps holding tight to the coordinates he has for sure. Everything he can rely on he holds tight. May that be a diaper or the assurance that we won't leave him alone.

I believe that he is sensing the upcoming change now. How couldn't he? Baby clothes are moving in. Furniture get rearranged in the bedroom. I guess it's just something I hadn't thought about before. The stuff that is going on in his mind. The invisibility cloak his thoughts are wearing sometimes. The silence that covers what he is feeling and if we are not careful - wipes it out without being noticed. He will be a big brother. But still small and fragile.

The part with the excitement and joy, the awkward questions and everything? That never happened. This is something I had to swallow down and it tasted bitter. It was just this romantic picture I had in mind. But Leander is different. He is dealing with all that all by himself. Quietly. And what can I do? I won't sit down with him every day telling him about what's happening. How could I? Because to be honest - I don't know what to tell him. I don't know what it will be like with another baby around. I can't promise him anything else but to love him as much as I do now. I can't do more but be there and try and see what is going on inside him. Even saying things like "Yes, I am YOUR mommy" feels weird because it used to be followed by a "Your one and only mommy" which I don't say anymore.
And what would it change if he would be all excited and asking questions? Would that tell me anything about his reaction once the baby is here for real? No. Because this is difficult for us to grasp so how can he have the slightest idea of what it means "becoming a big brother"?

So that's the end of that. I am just mentioning the obvious and reading the Baby book with him when he asks for it. I will start preparing him for the big event once it is closer to the due date and we have figured out all emergency exits for him. Until then it's just us.

It feels a bit like the first Christmas with him. You know when you are all excited about the first Holiday season you are spending with your own child? When you imagine the shine and sparkle and their excited eyes over the presents? And the disappointment when you realize that they are simply too young and not getting what exactly is going on right now but instead get fuzzy because it's all a bit much? Yeah. This is a small percentage of how I felt when I figured that my thoughts and ideas were not quite what reality had to offer. With the slight difference that Christmas is over within a few days. Pregnancy and birth of a baby is just the beginning of this - obviously - unknown and mysterious journey we are facing right now. Scary. But at the same time highly exciting. Leander simply surprises us in many ways. Not just the fun ones. And we are growing on it. Somehow.