ANOTHER ONE ON PRAiSE

Delighted I read Anna's "personal note on rewards, praise and punishment". We have made similar experiences too, throughout our childhood and now with Leander. Of course we were excited when he did his first steps. He was too. But we didn't clap our hands. And that's the difference.





In an Austrian magazine there was a very important article about the so called "overprotected child". It was all about how parents nowadays hover around their children trying to protect them from every accident and every little stumble or fall. By doing so instead of keeping them safe they are holding them from the absolute necessary experiences of balance, height, speed etc. Those children don't learn their own limits, they don't know their own body and become insecure. And then experience accidents (maybe later in life) as a result of the overprotection. By being so well watched and put in classes and courses rather than taken on trips to the woods or the park children become dependent and passive, they can't develop self confidence and self esteem.

That's what Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber both observed and included in their work. That's what the parent-infant-playgroup is about (amongst other topics): to sit and observe, not watch your child in a security kind of job, but with interest: "Where is my child right now?" (development), "What does he like, enjoy, can or is he trying to achieve?" To then follow this observation knowing what I can do or offer to let him explore free and self motivated in an appropriate environment at his very own stage of development.

A very good and important article that was. Up to the point where the psychologist Lieselotte Ahnert says, that parents need to praise their children, when they achieve something new. That this is the "drive children need to continue learning." And I disagree. If a child does not know praise for developmental steps he is going to achieve at some point anyway (considering he is healthy) he will not need it to get going. What he needs is the company of parents who actively "see" what the child is achieving and what effort went into this, who value the process and who enjoy this moment with their child. Not by clapping and sitting him on this imaginery throne but by simply laughing with him, hugging him or offering words for what just happened. "I am so happy for you!" - so simple, so light yet so true and honest.

Elsewhere in the article it is mentioned that when achieving a milestone or goal children (or people in general) experience joy and happyness which again leads to the release of dopamine, a very important neurotransmitter. Dopamine then encourages the continuation of that learning process. I think we all know how happy we continue a work that has just reached a new milestone we've been working on for ages. But to make sure this dopamine is released a child does not need praise, it just needs joy and happyness. Of course we can somehow almost stop this cycle by not reacting at all to this joy. But we mustn't overreact neither. It's enough to smile, nod or laugh.

Now is it so bad if I praise my child out of some inner drive? No it's not I'd say carefully. If a mother really has the need to shout "Wow super!" it is not that bad. If this does not become routine because then this "Wow super!" can become the drive the child one day really needs and does things not to for the sake of it but to be praised. And THIS can be counterproductive because then we raise little zoo animals that hop through a loop for a piece of cake.

And that's why I don't like articles like these where such lines like "The parents' praise is the drive a child needs to continue learning." might become the core of the whole point they were trying to make. And that was the one about the problem of overprotection if you remember. You don't? See - that's what I mean.

PRAiSE ME

For the last month I have been back to work a few days a week. My colleagues show a great interest in my life as a mother but since in their eyes I am not practicing general common known methods of parenting quite a few discussions have erupted in the last weeks and this one really got me thinking.

It came up that I am not intending to praise my son for doing his first steps, for painting a nice picture or for a good mark in school. I even think I saw their "What kind of mother are you?" thoughts shining through their eyes.
I admit that it is not something I would (or should I say I wouldn't) intend to do naturally. I read about it throughout my reading, research and discussions on parenting and first it sounded strange to me too but when I got to think about it it all made so much sense.

Alfie Kohn created the word "prasie junkies" but that's just one of five reasons why we shouldn't call out "Good job!" as soon as a child has acted to our expectations. Read more on that in his own article here.

So when my son is taking the wipe out of my hand to clean himself instead of me doing it I am tempted to say "Well done!" but instead I bite my tongue and quietly say "Oh you can clean yourself." and when he hands me the wipe back I say "Thank you!" Why should I praise him for a developmental step?
His first steps I commented with "Hey, you made it! That is great I'm so happy for you!" and I hugged him and laughed with him. These are very special moments and I still see the pride and happiness in his eyes even if I don't shout out "Well done!". But instead of just praising him I am enjoying the moment WITH him.
And I hope this will help to avoid what I heard of my colleagues when we discussed all this, because they said that they are dependent on their parent's acknowledgement and recognition, that they need their boss or colleagues to tell them what a great job they are doing and that friends show what good friends they are. And I thought this is sad. Am I really sitting here, 32 years old in the process of changing my life and my career hoping my mom would say "I'm proud of you!" ? I would have to ask for whom I am doing all this, wouldn't I?
Of course I am happy when my mom supports what I'm doing, but I don't need her to praise me. And luckily she never did. When I moved to Great Britain she certainly wasn't happy, especially considering the fact that I had taken years to finish my study in engineering and would now go into "nowhere" without a job or anything in my mind. The better it felt when a few years back she said that she is happy for me and my experiences, that I took my chance to go away for a while and learned a bit about life before settling into it.

It is the same in my job. What I have to do needs to be done. Why should anybody say "Great job!" Of course this can come when I am doing something really good in a very short time but then what happens? First they expect me to deliver the same "great job" next time too when I am not able to and they are disappointed or I do but they got used to it and won't acknowledge it again which will result in my disappointment. In the end the line "Great job!" was just a "feel good" moment I had once. If I don't rely on it, do my job the best I can and enjoy what I do I should have lots of feel good moments. And this is what is important, this is what we should convey our children. That they should do something they like, that they should enjoy the process and know for themselves if the result is in their eyes good or bad. We shouldn't raise those praise junkies like me colleagues that can't wait for acknowledgement the minute they finish a job and who are rather angry with my boss because he never does.

Yesterday my husband sent me an email from a colleague of his who really praised the job my husband just did. Of course Jan was happy and I was happy for him. But today or tomorrow or next month it is much more important that my husband LOVES his job, that he loves going to work on a monday morning and that such emails come as a surprise to him rather UNexpected. Isn't that we all should aim for?