A LONG WALK TO THE TOILET

Today Leander used his small stair to go to the big toilet. We had the stairs in the bathroom for almost a year now. He refused to use them. Until today. It's been a long walk from the first poop in a potty until now.

In spring 2012 - so more than 15 months ago - Leander pooped in the potty for the very first time. It was in the creche. He was just about to 2. They sent me a message saying that Leander will have some very exciting news for me. Well considering he was barely talking sentences by then and not telling me anything about his day apart from "ate" and "slept" I did not expect much. And he didn't say a word. Still they made a big deal of it and told us that NOW the window has opened and it would be time to start potty training.

Coming from a RIE perspective we thought differently. We were rather overwhelmed with what had happened. Every now and then I got some updates on his potty being. In the cloakroom they would just quickly tell me about his pees and poops. And how things went. This is how I figured out what potty training meant in a montessori daycare centre. Basically they would ask the children every 30 minutes if they needed to use the potty. They would ask them before circle time and before garden time, before lunch and after nap time. They would c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y- ask and remind the children if they needed to use a potty or toilet. Something I simply did not want. So when we had a parent consultation the potty situation was on the agenda. We told them our point of view. That Leander was not interested in using the potty at home much. That even if he was naked he would pee anywhere but in the potty. That we believed him just being excited by all the other kids using it and that this was all the motivation for him to use it too. And that we did not want him to be reminded to go, that we did not want any training but him to learn about his body all by himself. They nodded politely but obviously couldn't just for us stop doing their thing. They couldn't stop asking all children and therefore if Leander was around he was included.

More and more often I would pick up Leander wearing no diaper. By then my husband and I differed in opinions. He believed that they couldn't harm him. I was concerned that Leander - when asked to use the potty regularly - never really filled his bladder and also for a long time did not realize what a full bladder meant. I had read the article and was concerned (and close to sending it over to the daycare centre).
Then summer came and I thought things would just calm down. I decided to let Leander walk around the house naked as often as possible to see if he really was ready to go without diapers. The result was that he went back to creche in September with diapers back on. He had a few accidents which for me were a few too many. What happened then was that we sent him to the creche in diapers in the mornings. They took the diapers off him and let him walk around without all day. He had hardly any accidents but for me this meant nothing - since he was asked to use the potty regularly I couldn't trust that he really knew when to use the toilet. That he understood his body functions in order to know what to do. Because for me this is what Toilet Learning instead of Potty training is about:

1. Realizing what the body signals are for needing to pee or poop.
2. Knowing where to do this and how.
3. Understanding the signals early enough to find a place.

By then Leander started using the potty at home frequently too, but not all the time. Not consistently. And so we started to ask him what he wanted. In the mornings he got the choice of diapers or underpants. More than often he chose diapers so diapers it was. On weekends he sometimes wore no diaper at all. It was on and off. When the end of the year was close we gave up on discussions in the creche and they did so too. In January he was moved up to the bigger groups in kindergarden and we decided to see how things went in there.

In the one chat I had with one of the teachers from the bigger groups she asked me if he was still wearing diapers. I said yes but that sometimes he would not. That it was his choice in the mornings. I don't think she understood. So for the past 7 months Leander decided on what to wear in the mornings.

Around his 3rd birthday in April this year we realized that he did not poop in the diaper at all anymore. I was excited that after all it was him who took the small steps all by himself. Almost without us realizing. I got a bit too excited and so there were a few occasions when I thought I could give him a little push and instead of offering a choice of diapers or underpants in the mornings I just offered him a choice of two different underpants. When he went in the trap those were the few occasions when I picked him up in changed clothes because he had wet himself. So I quickly stopped that.

During the parent consultation we had in May potty training was on the agenda again. They said that they thought Leander was ready to go without diapers. For the last time I told them that it was his choice in the mornings and that with all the experience we had I would leave it completely up to him. I was probably never that clear about anything as I was in that moment. Maybe because I knew they would bring it up and I was annoyed that they always seemed to know what he was ready for.

A few weeks ago we got a little confused again. Over the weekends Leander would go without diapers no problem. Monday morning he would choose diapers again. And he would pee in them. After a few discussions we decided to leave it like that and see what summer would bring. And Leander himself showed me that this was the right decision: I changed his diaper before bedtime one evening and I said that he had a sore bum and it would do him good not to wear a diaper for a while. He said he needed it because in kindergarden "all children have to go to the toilet." And he added: "I don't like that. I don't want to go." I was so amazed and somehow proud of him. For him standing to what he knew he was capable of (or not) and persistently wearing diapers. And for realizing how awkward it was to go to the toilet with all children. Something that intimate. He also kept mentioning that he was scared of the toilet in kindergarden. That he was scared to fall. From that moment on I did not mention the diaper at all anymore. Best decision ever.

Last week was his last in this kindergarden. He has been home for almost a week now. He has not been wearing a diaper ever since except at nighttime. Today he told me he needed to go to the toilet. When I aimed for the potty he said: "No, toilet!" He got the stairs out and went up.

I will not put the potty aside yet. He should not have the feeling that going one step forwards means not being allowed one step back. Because this is about him and his body. About his own feelings of his own body functions. This is important and he has shown us that he is completely capable of deciding when he is ready for whatsoever.

Parents often wonder if their children really decide to go diaper free one day. Just like that. I believe we all think that we need to show and teach and train our kids when they are born. But we don't. In fact - we mustn't. There are things they need to learn. How to cut with a knife. How to hold the pen. Stuff like that. But the things regarding their body - gross motor development, speech, toilet use, how to sneeze, etc. it's all up to them. They do it. In their own time. At their own pace. Sometimes over night.

The last 1,5years have been exhausting. At some point I said to my husband that I feel like the kindergarden pulling Leander on a tied rope and us pulling him back all the time. We felt misunderstood for a long time. But every time I heard a mother in kindergarden asking her child if (s)he needed to go to the toilet before they left, responding to a "No." with "Are you sure?" I knew I was right. I did not want to be responsible for his pee- and poop times throughout the day. Instead by now I know that if he tells me he needs to pee in the subway or on a bus I can tell him to wait until we find a toilet or tree. Oh how he loves the trees.

MONTESSORi vs. PiKLER

In my recent post "Montessori was right" I have mentioned how important it is to allow children to take part in our life for real, not just with plastic toys in their room. And while I'm convinced of the amazing and wonderful work of Maria Montessori and agree with what Nicole from Montessori School of Mount Pleasant and Little Learners Lodge wrote in her recent post I do think that at the age 0-3 the Pikler or RIE principles are much more valuable.

When I first heard about Montessori and Pikler I thought "Now what's actually the difference between their approaches?" and found out that Montessori mainly focused on the age group 3-6 (The Children's House) and Pikler on the age group 0-3. Then I discovered some writings and information on Montessori's thoughts on the very young infant e.g. the book "Montessori from the start" and with Leander attending a Montessori creche I figured that - in the end - both women had very similar approaches. I still believe that to be true, but I have found a few Montessori ideas to lead in the "wrong" direction.

The material
Montessori is especially known for her own special materials she has thought through and developed with a lot of experiences in mind. With most of these materials she is aiming for some skills to be achieved, sometimes in various steps, sometimes straight away. A few materials are self explaining, a few need demonstrations to the child from a teacher or caregiver. I do believe that especially at the age 0-2 this is just not necessary and partly even obstructive.
According to RIE principles what we want to "teach" a child is to be free to choose whatever he wants to play (with). Until a child can speak it is - in my opinion - much better if all the toys or materials are open (as Pikler called it), so no didactic background, no skills needed or to be achieved. Simply playing and having fun. Montessori actually said "Children can not not learn." So why go and place materails in their reach that need demonstration?
Of course it took me a while to come to that thought and I have been there myself letting Leander pour water from one jug into another or shovel beans from one bowl into the next. Of course I had to show him, if I'd only placed two jugs on a tray on the shelf he would not have known what to do with it. And of course he enjoyed it. A lot. But it was not HIS decision to play with that. It was me who asked him to, who showed him how to do it and who watched him the whole time. At this very young age (he was 18 months old) this is just not necessary. Even now (he is almost 22 months old) he is happy playing with toys that don't need explanation. He loves cars, books and small toy animals he shows to us waiting for us to say what it is. He is developing his speech more than anything at the moment, what does he need to shovel beans for?
He does learn how to use a spoon simply by using one for his meals every single day.

Another problem is that at this age children still take a lot of things into their mouth, they throw things (oh dear, when will it stop?) and they drop things on purpose (discovering physics). If you are happy collecting beans, whiping the floor, changing clothes and fishing little things out of your child's little mouth you are welcome to offer those materials. I for myself have found it too stressful for all of us.

Cooking
As mentioned before - at this age children want to take part in the household and they are very proud if they are allowed. Dusting, hoovering, helping with the laundry etc. It is all great and I can only recommend it. But the cooking - which is a great part in Montessori houses - I would postpone. It again has some aim - a proper meal. With the laundry or the dishes I don't mind if he replaces them, if he carries them around or places a cup on his head. When he hoovers he enjoys switching the hoover on and off more than actually hoovering. All fine. But when it comes to food I'm quite strict. I don't want it to be thrown, I don't want it to be wasted but I also don't want to cook a proper meal and a fake meal. So there will be so many "rules" that again I find it too much and too difficult for a child that age.Keep it simple and don't make a great effort of a simple daily task that in the end will actually have nothing to do with the task itself anymore.

Potty training
I know from the creche Leander attends that the Montessori approach is very much aiming for the independence of a child. But it goes that far that potty training is something they are quite keen on because obviously it helps with the self dependence. But this is not a skill you can practice day in day out. It is a physical development that takes time. For some children more than for others and I believe that no pressure here will lead to way more success than anything else.

Sleeping
Montessori suggests giving your child a floor bed rather than a cot as he can choose when to go to sleep and can easily climb in and out himself. Again the self dependence is the great goal behind this idea. And while I have to admit that a big bed can be very helpful and relaxing for the whole family I do believe that a child
a) needs a cozy and secure boundary around himself and
b) will not go to bed and stay there all by himself until he is sound asleep. Life is just too exciting at this age to simply lay down and sleep.
We have exchanged Leander's cot with a bunk bed where he has the mattress basically under the bed with curtains around and the actual bed is used as a big changing table. It is very very cozy, he loves it and it has proven very helpful at nights when Leander is ill or just can't get back to sleep. Because that way we simply lay down next to him and sometimes even sleep in his bed with him for a while. The down part is that he is NEVER falling asleep on his own in the evening. We have to stay with him until he is in dreamland otherwise he will just follow us back to the living room all the time. So although he might say "Brush" when he gets tired and wants to brush his teeth in order to go to bed he still wouldn't just doze off all by himself. And I have to say: That's okay! He is not even 2 years old, he needs us and we're there. So the floorbed is great if you enjoy cuddle times with your child in the evening but not with the expectation of a tired child just laying down for the night all by himself.


In general, what I do believe to be the "problem" with the Montessori pedagogy for the agegroup 0-3 is that the independence is this great expectation in the back. Every toy, every material seems to have an achievement in its description.
Especially at this age children and most parents have all the time in the world. Nobody should be rushing them, no milestone should be more important than the joy and happiness of an exploring child.

Why is my son in a Montessori creche then? By no means I am meaning to criticise the creche Leander is attending. Of all places I could leave him while I simply have to work this is the best I can think of. As I said - Montessori has a similar approach in mind - and after all the children in this creche have a lot of time for "free play" and are treated with a lot of respect. Compared to many other creches where the children are entertained all day I am very happy with the place I leave my boy in in the mornings.

I just believe that if you've got a choice or if you are at home with your child for the first few years focusing on the RIE principles rather than expensive Montessori material can be much more valuable.