Wednesday, July 11, 2012
I HEAR YOU.
Recently the little man has been what many parents would probably call "difficult", "hard work" or even "annoying". Since I refuse to think that children want to manipulate us and stretch our nerves on purpose, I started spinning my own brain to figure out why he was acting the way he was - screaming a lot, hitting me, biting, throwing things, throwing even more things,... you name it. And probably know a bit of it.
There are moments when I yell at him. For throwing wooden blocks at me that really do hurt. Then I leave the room to not throw these things out of pure anger and aggression myself. Then I sit down, breathe and think. What did just happen? And why? And like a sudden thunderstorm thoughts come down and explain everything. Well, almost everything.
For one thing - Baby number two is on the way. And while the first few weeks were a bit of trouble and I was told to rest I had to say "No." to a lot of fun things the little man was asking for. Like going for a ride with his little bike. I just couldn't chase him along the streets. Especially not in the extreme summer heat we have had the last couple of weeks. When he wanted to show me things or simply come with him explore the world I felt like sitting down putting my feet up. Worst of all I had to refuse to carry him 3 storeys up to our flat. Gladly he can manage himself easily but sometimes (and I totally understand that) he is just too tired.
Yesterday I did not refuse. I'm allowed to slowly get back to normal again so I really wanted to carry him upstairs. He raised his arms, said "Mama arm!" and I picked him up. After a few steps he looked at me and said: "Mama! Arm!!" and he smiled. Then he put his head on my shoulder and although I was short of breath already I enjoyed carrying him more than ever. I could see how hard it must have been for him the last few weeks.
Another thing is that I am in between jobs. And many ideas. And a few new educational courses. I have been to seminars on weekends. Had to leave the house in the evenings the minute my husband got in. The little man just handed over from one to the other. Always just checking who's there and when. No quality time as a family. This doesn't just frustrates the little man I guess. It frustrates me. All of it. The in-between-jobs situation. The packed full weekends. And an unsatified feeling about all those ideas and no time, energy or ability to chase them. So my frustration adds up with his frustration. He cries and I'm annoyed. He cries even more and I feel guilty. Days that I just want to erase from my calendar.
Now what is the good thing behind all this?
Well - maybe that I learn to reflect my actions. In a live without children we tend to refuse that. On purpose or not. Because it is not easy, uncomfortable. Sometimes hard.
And of course with children it's easier to say "Phew what a day. He's in a tough phase right now. When will this end?" And even if it is him and his speedy development and growth - we are all in this boat. We all have to get through those days and it is easier to do it together than blame a single person.
It also helps me slow down some more. Children grow so fast, they learn new things all the time and develop skills almost over night. So sometimes it is hard to focus on how small they still are. And we expect things that are simply too much, or refuse what they might still need most. I'm glad that the little man shows me what he needs. And what he's not capable of. May it be in screaming or hitting. As long as his speech is not fully developed this is his way of hitting the emergency break (literally).
So as much as I don't understand why the creche is closed all August while they don't rely on school holidays I am very very much looking forward to a month of quality time with my little man. No courses or seminars. No work. And hopefully no more pregnancy troubles. Because once this pregnancy ends things will change. Rapidly. And there is no way in properly preparing the little man for it. Because we don't know either what it will be like with two kids.
So all I can do is to be there for him as much as I can and give him all he needs. Because I love him.