Thursday, April 21, 2011


When I was thinking about a new blog post yesterday it occured to me that all I write is mainly about how good and wonderful it all goes. I therefore decided this time I would share something I am not so happy about. So you know we are just "normal" too and it's not all perfect. And maybe I can finally let go.

When little Lman was around 10 months old we started the nightly weaning which went very very well. I told him in the evening that during the night dad would come and check on him and when my husband did so the little man was back to sleep in no time. I couldn't believe it.
A few weeks later little Lman slept through the night more and more often. I was only breastfeeding him in the evening before he went to bed and I knew he didn't need that anymore, that it was just a habit now and for me as much as for him. So when we decided to stop that too I was worried but at the same time I knew I really wanted that. I wanted my husband to be able to take him to bed too, I wanted the freedom of not having a certain time at which I had to be at home when I went out for a meeting.

The day came and again, this went really smooth. But this time I forgot to tell little Lman that the last time when I actually fed him would be the last time. So when I put im down for the night a day later I gave in easily and fed him again. This went on for a few days and I knew it was me. Suddenly I couldn't let go. I couldn't bring myself to tell him "Tonight is the last night I will breastfeed you before you go to bed honey." But on the other hand I allowed my husband to put the little man down for the night again. And then I was ill. The flu totally got me and I got some strong medication. This was the sudden end. A week later I took my little man to bed and he did the usual - he started to look for my breasts, he still expected me to feed him. But I was still on medication and pretty sure the milk had gone as there wasn't much left anyway. I soothed him by holding him and explaining and apologising. I was in tears more than he was.
After that he never "asked" for it again. Now we just cuddle before I put him in his bed. We never did that before.
I still feel bad about the "END". But I guess it is time to let go. To forgive myself. And to be grateful for a wonderful time we had for almost a year.


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