I am grateful to have a husband who is so aware and observant. Who doesn't just say: "Jeez what's going on there again? What phase is that?" No. He cares.
So right now it's back to more observation. Is it rather me or Mona? Or the way I am dealing with him when he's around Mona? I realized that he became wild around her. And rough. Not obviously. I call it "silent aggression" - he leans onto her and squeezes her. He silently takes her fingers into his mouth. And bites. When she screams he smiles. I haven't had many of those moments so I am not so good in sportscasting this. Instead my motherly instinct so far made me protect her. And blame him. Although I know this does not work. The more I think about it the more I realize what has gone wrong over the last week. Yes. Just a week is all it takes to have this downward spiral start spinning again.
Magda Gerber used to say: "Observe more. Do less. Enjoy most."
This reminder should be printed and pinned on the wall of every room in the house. It's not just that you enjoy those wonderful moments in their play or development. It's also that you discover what's going wrong right now. And where it has started. Observation is the key to successful parenting. Only then can you change your own behaviour. Because as bad as it sounds - more often it is us - the parent - who is in a strange phase or moment. If it's a stressful time at work or a moment of hunger and dehydration after a hot day - it's up to us to take care of ourselves to be able to take care of our children. A child is just a child and does what lies within his abilities.
It's like I'm reading myself. My older is 3 and the little is six months. I feel exhausted because Nora(3) is angry almoust all the time with every body. She tries to hurt Vera(6 months) when she "loves" her. Lately I said to her "I know you are quite angry with me and Vera, we need dad at home more hours to be with the baby so I can play with you more and be able to do fun things with you". Today she has remind me that dady was at home, so I can carry her. And we have been toguether in a big hug for 30 minutes and after that she has been playing alone and happy. I need more patient to open my eyes for her, everything is easier when I listen to her.
ReplyDeleteForgive my english...I'm quite rusty. I love your blog!
Thanks for your writing. I'm glad to have found your blog. I have a 3 year old and will have a second baby in six months. I know my son will find it hard. He is a lovely sunny boy and we have such a close relationship but like most kids finds changes difficult. The other day I said 'I wonder if you'll be able to show the baby around the house when it comes here for the first time' and he said "I won't. I will scream and yell". Your posts are helping me to see a little bit of what might happen and that if it does it is okay and normal. Thanks.
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