GO THE F*** TO SLEEP

When Leander was 10 months old we had the idea of moving him from the crib in a bigger and open bed. He kept banging legs, arms and head against the sides of the crib and we felt it's time for him to be able to climb in and out of his bed himself. 


So we went and bought a bunk bed. We put a mattress on the floor underneath and with curtains around this was a cosy "cave like" bed for him. We put part of the playpen on one end so he would not fall out too much during his sleep. He loved it from the very first minute.

But with a bed that children can climb in and out themselves there is the thought of what is going to happen - will they stay in when it's really bedtime or will they come out again?
By that time I still nursed Leander at bedtime. So I cuddled up with him in his bed, nursed him, then put him down and stayed with him until he was asleep. Shortly after I weaned him but kept staying with him until he was asleep. When my husband put him down for the night he did the same. And in no time we had created a habit of staying in bed with Leander until he was off in dreamland.

We somehow knew that we had taken a short cut for now but quite a detour in the long run. We raised the question of how to stop the habit once in a parent consultation group but never went ahead with the advice we got (being clear, leaving while he is awake, not quietly sneaking out). Instead we kept going and at some point enjoyed it. It was a time of day when we did nothing but lie in a dark room waiting for our son to fall asleep. No phone, no computer, no book. Nothing. Just us and our thoughts. It was nice. Sometimes.
But there were days when it took Leander forever to fall asleep. And we actually had plans on what to do that evening. Work. Read. Household. It happened more and more often that we fell asleep with (or even before) him, then woke up completely knackered without the energy to do anything. So we missed out on our "spare time".
There were days when we got really angry. Occasions where I cited the book title "Go the f*** to sleep" in my head over and over again. Or even told him to "go to sleep for heaven's sake now!" in not such a nice tone. He usually did go to sleep quite quick after an outburst like that but it felt terrible to end the day together like that.

Almost 2 years later it so happened that Leander started waking up during the night again. Frequently. I had no idea why. He wasn't ill and his teeth were all where they should be. When he did wake up one of us went into his room and simply curled up next to him in his bed and kept sleeping there for part or the rest of the night. Around the same time he needed us more and more in the evening. He wanted us to cuddle up next to him in his bed until he was asleep. He wanted our arms around him very tight. And asked for the same when he woke up in the middle of the night. And while I enjoyed the evening snuggles the nighttime wakings became more and more exhausting. My growing belly did not allow me to curl up just like that next to him anymore and my husband was tired of moving beds. And with the new baby arriving in Januray we figured that it was time for some major changes here. NOW.

My husband went to the parent consultation group we are currently visiting and raised the topic. When he got back we were ready to take on the challenge. And somehow much more convinced than ever before. Because what Daniela, who runs the group and who I am doing the Pikler foundation course with, mentioned the real problem behind everything that we just figured was becoming complicated. When staying with Leander in his bed until he sleeps, cuddling him and holding him - the focus is shifted. For him this is not about going to sleep, it's about some snuggle time with us. During which he just so happens to fall asleep. But in order for him to realize that this is his bed, that it is for sleeping and that sleeping in there all by himself is good and healthy it is important for him that we shift his focus back. So this is what we were gonna do.

The next day I was not at home but Jan went ahead with "the plan" anyway. During dinner he told Leander what was going to happen that night. What was gonna be different. He told him the whole routine and what would change. "Tonight after we read the books I will not come with you in your bed. I will stay a little while with you but I will sit in front of your bed. And then I will go to the living room. If you need me, I will be there for you."
Leander's response to that was a simple "No."

Jan went ahead anyway. After he read him several books he told him again what will be different now. And when Leander went into his bed and realized that in fact his Dad wasn't coming in he started to cry. Jan stayed with him and explained it again. Leander got quiet and Jan left the room. It didn't take long and Leander came back out. This time crying and asking for Mom. Surely if Dad was weird Mom would be all cuddly and normal. But Mom wasn't there so his Dad went back with him, sent him off to bed, stroke his head, waited a little and left. Again Leander started to cry. Jan went back in again and sat down with Leander again, explaining the whole thing all over until Leander eventually said: "Ok."
Jan left and Leander went to sleep.

the next morning Jan talked to Leander about the previous night. And what was new. And Leander listened and then said: "Important."
The next evening was similar to the first and then the next challenge arose. It was my turn to take him to bed. And to disappoint him - because suddenly I was as weird as Dad was behaving lately. So he cried again and I stayed and explained that this was important to all of us. I stayed until his crying stopped but left before he fell asleep. I can't say it was easy. I was sitting in front of his bed listening to him breathing and sucking his thumb. No more crying. All good to go but to find the moment to get up and LEAVE felt like leaving a whole lot more behind. But I knew how important it was, how much I wanted this to become honest and clear. So I got up and left. I had to go back in once when he started to cry again. I said down again and told him that we were not leaving him alone. That we were there whenever he needed us. That I understood that this was new to him and difficult to accept. But that I knew that he was capable of doing this. I stroke his head and kissed him. The crying had stopped. I left. And he fell asleep.

Day after day the crying period was shorter. But more than that - from the very first night we started this transition he slept through. And when he woke up in the morning he wasn't as tired and whiny as he used to be. He got up and started talking. He was happy and in a good mood. He was active and much more aware. All that convinced us that this was the right thing to do.

After only a week it was done. We left the room and that was that. This was when Jan told me that Daniela had said: "It might take a week for him to get used to it."

Two weeks later it might be fair to say that the transition is history. Yesterday during storytime Leander said: "Mama reading book. Then Mama come bed and cuddle. Then lights out and Mama living room. I sleep."
I told him that yes, this was how we were doing things now and that it was going much better this way because we all sleep much better now. He nodded.

Another thing that feels much better now is the leaving. It's not a case of quietly sneaking out hoping not to wake him. It feels honest and right.
His crying never felt desperate. It was crying because surely it wasn't something he would have decided just like that right now for himself. So we made sure he wasn't alone when he was crying. We allowed it all to come out. Allowed him to be frustrated or even angry. And at the same time we were clear and he felt that it was really important.

Still I'm not looking back thinking "We should have done this earlier..." or anything. I know we could have but somehow we weren't ready. We didn't see it important enough to really go after it and think about when and how. It was just important that when it wasn't bearable for either of us anymore we DID change the pattern. All together.

WE ALL NEED SLEEP

Lately I have read a few stories about the problems moms have with sleep deprivation. Especially one story about a new study that will develop ways to identify, prevent and treat sleep problems got me thinking "What about the babies, the children that usually are seen as the source of it? They need sleep too, they WANT to sleep through the night as much as we do!
So here are my thoughts on this matter combined with my own experience.

What I have found in several internet forums is that moms actually advise each other to "lower your expectations" or "live with it, once the kids are 14 you will struggle to get them out of bed". A question of a desperate mom usually gets replies of moms who share their horrible experiences of 5 or 6 year olds that still wake up several times at night, combined with a winking smily and an invitation to join the club. I didn't find this very helpful and don't believe it's healthy for neither the children nor the moms.
Sleep is not just a chilly relaxing time we parents force on our children to get some rest ourselves. Children need sleep to regenerate, it is the basis for a healthy development. A child that slept enough is relaxed and balanced. New studies even show that the body weight is regulated during sleep. Therefore sleep can prevent obesity, researchers say. Of course children's sleep patterns change from time to time especially during developmental stages or due to illness or changes in life (e.g. new baby arrives, kindergarden starts, a move). But if they have a basic fullfilling and relaxing sleep habit they will be able to get back to that after such phases in no time.

So what can we do to get to this habit of sleeping well and sleeping through?

1. Fullfill their needs
Of course it is highest priority to fullfill your baby's needs. And I'm not saying we should not set our own needs aside a bit in the first few months. Of course we have to and we know that and are willing to. But not forever.
We have to be there, have to feed and change our baby and make sure he feels warm, comfortable and happy. But that's it. We don't have to entertain him, walk him around day and night and jump through hoops to get a smile out of him. And most importantly - we have to make sure he gets enough sleep because that is a basic need too. And in the beginning, even in the first years we are responsible for our child's sleep. We should make sure they find a routine and have a quiet and safe place to rest and sleep. Between 6 months and 2 or 3 years children are not capable of knowing when to go to sleep. They are tired but life is too exciting to miss just a second of it. But we can help them learn to trust their feeling of tiredness, allow sleep to come and feel comfortable when doing so.

2. Routines
This is an usually way underestimated part of the whole sleep situation. Children need routine. They need to know what's happening now and after. Only then they feel secure and self confident and can trust us and themselves.
The first weeks are crazy, the babies sleep most of the time, you never know when they wake up and when they do food must usually be provided instantly. Then you change the diaper and before you know it they are asleep again. At this time I struggled a lot with the uncertainty of when Leander would wake up again. I didn't dare sleeping because I feared he would wake me in my deepest dream. I only ate crap food I could make quickly.
But after a while you can see a routine - if you observe your child and allow household, phonecalls and appointments to be missed every now and then. I usually stayed in the whole morning and went out with Leander after his lunch nap. And I made sure we would be home by the time for his bedtime routine. No parties we took him to, no restaurants or anything (also see my previous post "Dinner cancellations". Ever since he had a pretty stable bedtime and bedtime routine. Since he only takes one nap a day he even knows very well when this is on. After lunch he sometimes jumps off his chair and goes straight into his room (of course I have to follow to get him to bed eventually), sometimes he goes and plays but as soon as I remind him he is off to bed.
During the summer, when the creche was closed we went away quite often and obviously all the routine was messed up. You could tell that Leander was uneasy and a bit more clingy. As soon as he went back to the creche and his daily and weekly routine was back to normal he was way happier.

3. No food at night
In the beginning it is perfectly fine to feed the baby whenever he is hungry. This so called feeding on demand is no problem at all AS LONG as it is also good for you. There are moms out there that feed a baby on a half hour schedule and are desperate. Here it is advisable to try and lengthen the time betweens feedings. Constant food consumption is not just hard for the mother that has to provide it, but also bad for the baby's organs and system. They need time to rest, fully rest.
At the age of 6 months nightly feedings can and at the age of 12 months should be stopped. Simply because the organs do not need it and with less and less daytime naps the nightly sleep becomes more and more essential. There is no problem if mothers still WANT to breastfeed their baby during the night - but please make sure the baby wants it and it's not just a created habit. I am not against long term breastfeeding up to 2 or 3 years if it's ok for both mother and child. But we all need our sleep and we should respect our baby if he can get through the night without food.

I for myself forgot to check if Leander actually still needed those feedings at night or not. I just went in like a half-sleeping robot and fed him. But then I read somewhere that before we lift a child out if his cot at night we should let him know we're there. Because it's dark and with all the crying they don't always hear us coming. So this night I went in and simply placed my hand on his hand, spoke to him and let him know I was there. Before I could get ready to take him out and feed him he was sound asleep again. This was earlier on and a surgery threw us back a few weeks and after that we decided to take some action on Leander's sleeping habits. You can read about it here.

4. slowly, gently, quiet
It may no news to you but whenever you come close to your baby be slow, gentle and quiet. The world is new and scary to them, they need soft and gentle hands that hold and stroke them, a gentle voice and a quiet environment. Do apply this at night twice as much.
When entering the room, don't immediatly switch the light on, don't take him out of his cot all of a sudden and don't talk too loud or too much. Go and see how he feels, stroke him gently, ask him if he wants to be picked up and give him time to respond (yes, even the newborns, it's about respect, not about abilities).
You might be annoyed being up for the third time, just being back to sleep after the last distraction. Leave those feelings in your bed. Take a few seconds and breathe in before getting up too quickly and angry. Your child senses your feelings and responds to them accordingly.
Don't take him out of his cot too quickly, don't carry him around all night, don't start trying EVERYTHING to get him back to sleep. Sometimes it's all they want too - sleep - and we keep them awake by running around doing everything we can.
With time you will learn the difference between the crying and the crying. Listen to him.

5. Allow them to learn, allow them to struggle
As I said before newborns need us to fullfill their needs. But do not underestimate their ability to learn and to learn quickly. Give them the chance to take lead but still lead their way. Watch and observe.
If they have difficulties falling asleep or going back to sleep - allow them to struggle. Don't run in the minute he starts making noises. Give them time to comfort themselves (not long, a few seconds for a start, a little longer when they get older). Be there and help through difficult transitions (e.g. Stop nightly feeding sessions) but don't try and be the solution. Help them find their own.

Sometimes it helped me that I felt dizzy when I got up too quick. So I had to sit and wait until I was stable. By then the crying may have stopped. This was when I realized - it isn't always the cry for help. It may also be the frustrated cry for not finding back too sleep fast enough or for banging an arm at the walls of the bed.

Leander is now 19months old and still has nights when he wakes up and cries. We don't always know why but we just sit by him and let him know we are there until he gets back to sleep. No it doesn't feel good to hear him cry, but there is nothing I can do for him apart from being there and this is what I do. And this again feels good. The majority of the nights he sleeps through roughly since he is one year old. And this was my main goal. I am not suggesting a child of 6 months SHOULD sleep through the night (although some do) but I'm also not jumping on the boat saying that 4 year olds waking up 5 times a night are normality and should be expected.


Now all these thoughts only apply to "normal" healthy children. Ihave no experience with colik babies and I am not going that far of thinking I know what to do in those tough cases. But usually a colik baby gets better after 3-5 months and you can still start from there.
These are just simple suggestions from me that may help your child to relax and sleep a healthy sleep. And if all of this does not work for you - feel good about getting help. Because your child needs to sleep and you need too!

THANK YOU.

When I was thinking about a new blog post yesterday it occured to me that all I write is mainly about how good and wonderful it all goes. I therefore decided this time I would share something I am not so happy about. So you know we are just "normal" too and it's not all perfect. And maybe I can finally let go.

When little Lman was around 10 months old we started the nightly weaning which went very very well. I told him in the evening that during the night dad would come and check on him and when my husband did so the little man was back to sleep in no time. I couldn't believe it.
A few weeks later little Lman slept through the night more and more often. I was only breastfeeding him in the evening before he went to bed and I knew he didn't need that anymore, that it was just a habit now and for me as much as for him. So when we decided to stop that too I was worried but at the same time I knew I really wanted that. I wanted my husband to be able to take him to bed too, I wanted the freedom of not having a certain time at which I had to be at home when I went out for a meeting.

The day came and again, this went really smooth. But this time I forgot to tell little Lman that the last time when I actually fed him would be the last time. So when I put im down for the night a day later I gave in easily and fed him again. This went on for a few days and I knew it was me. Suddenly I couldn't let go. I couldn't bring myself to tell him "Tonight is the last night I will breastfeed you before you go to bed honey." But on the other hand I allowed my husband to put the little man down for the night again. And then I was ill. The flu totally got me and I got some strong medication. This was the sudden end. A week later I took my little man to bed and he did the usual - he started to look for my breasts, he still expected me to feed him. But I was still on medication and pretty sure the milk had gone as there wasn't much left anyway. I soothed him by holding him and explaining and apologising. I was in tears more than he was.
After that he never "asked" for it again. Now we just cuddle before I put him in his bed. We never did that before.
I still feel bad about the "END". But I guess it is time to let go. To forgive myself. And to be grateful for a wonderful time we had for almost a year.

THANK YOU.
FORGiVE ME.
i LOVE YOU.

DON'T UNDERESTiMATE YOUR CHiLD

For some reason I always thought that my child won't have sleeping problems. That with enough patience and calmness he will sleep through in no time. Well, reality has proven me wrong. But it also turns out that I have underestimated my sons capabilities.






I never cared much about Leanders sleeping habits before he had to go into surgery because i knew that would change his world upside down anyway and afterwards we would have to start all over again.
He hadn't been that bad anyway- with exceptions of some really bad growth spurts where he woke up every two hours. Apart from that he slept 4, 5 or 6 hours straight and wouldn't complain before 7 or 8ish in the morning which I found okay.
At some point I was hoping for him to sleep through but most importantly for him to be able to be taken to bed by his dad. I have no idea how it happened but at some point I realised that I was nursing him to sleep every night. One day I asked myself - how can I get that to stop? Ever? And again I said to my husband - after the operation we will work on all this.
Well, after the operation Leander needed time and then I found myself struggling and asking "isn't he too small for this transition?". I was insecure and couldn't stand him cry so how could I take those nightly nursing sessions and the nursing-to-sleep sessions from him ?

But there was another problem - all the nursing made him urinate a lot during the night and with cloth diapers we had to change him once, sometimes twice. In bad nights we had to change him completely because the diaper didn't hold it. I was annoyed because nursing was okay - he would just go back to sleep but the changing usually woke him up. I couldn't change him and then nurse either because he would scream his head off if he was changed hungry.
So we decided to "go in" and change those habits.

Leander has stubbornly refused the bottle since he was 3 months old so we did not really have the chance of my husband offering him tea instead of me breastfeeding him - just to make things harder. Anyway, we wanted to try, we made tea and filled it in the bottle and my husband was ready for a tough night with a screaming baby. Leander woke up as usual at midnight and my husband went in, changed him (which he just let happen) and put him back into his bed. A little bit of complaining but that was it. He didn't even want any tea, he played a little with the bottle so my husband took it away and told him to go back to sleep. And Leander slept.
We had decided on one feeding session per night just to make the transition smooth. So at 3 or 4 am I when he woke up again I fed him and he went back to sleep in no time. A few days later Leander slept reliably from 6.30pm until 4am, I fed him, changed him and put him back to sleep with no problem. He would then sleep until 7.30am. It turned out that we had underestimated our son completely. It was US that held us all from good nights sleep.

Unfortunately the next growth spurt combined with the new abilities of crawling and sitting up, the holidays with the grandparents visiting and us visiting the other grandparents destroyed all those sleeping habits and Leander was very unsettled at nights. We are now back to "normality", to our routine and Leander is getting used to being moving around the flat. Yesterday I had an appointment in the evening and I agreed with my husband that he should TRY and put Leander down for the night without me nursing him (after his portion of evening food anyway!). We were gonna "work on that" as soon as he would sleep better but this was a good occasion for a test run. At 7pm I got a message from y husband saying that Leander was asleep since 6.30pm.
Well I wasn't at home last night but today I was so we tried again with me being in the living room. I had also read in Janet Lansbury's latest blog post about sleeping that those transitions can be done within 2 or 3 days so I was gonna give him this time, plus I didn't really trust the success of this one night. But again - Leander never "asked" for me. It wasn't hunger that made him drink his additional portion of milk every evening, it was ME.
I am amazed, I have to admit I was a little sad that he would not "need me" and at the same time I felt bad for "forcing" him every night. Of course he would take it. When you are in a bar and at the end of the night the waiter offers you a glass of wine "on the house" you wouldn't refuse either would you ?

Phew I had thought about those transitions a lot and I was worried. And here is my advice: before thinking to much: try it!
I know it does not work that smoothly for everyone. But it's worth a try. Seems like our children are capable of much more than we think they are. Which is another great lesson I learned from my son. And which makes me respect him even more.