The countdown says it's only 18 days to go until the due date of the little baby sister. So basically it could happen any time. And I'm torn. Torn between being excited and happy to walk this journey altogether again but also being sad and terrified of having to split my time and energy between two children. I have no doubt that I will be able to love them both as much as possible. I don't fear loving Leander less than I do now or being able to feel for his sister any different. But what about those 24 hours a day has. Not a second more, no matter how much I wish for it to be possible.
I'm also torn between wanting another 6 months of pregnancy just to be alone with Leander and his little sister to arrive RIGHT NOW so this whole walrus-life finally comes to an end. I'm not that big and round. But I feel big and round. I move slowly. I need a toilet around every corner. I can't hop up and down on the bed. I can't chase him around anymore. I can't drive his cars and trucks around the living room without aching and puffing. I can't join the boys to go to the swimming pool or spa. And I have my moments. When all of this occurs to me and I want to scream and be fun mommy again. When I want to jump into puddles with him because I used to loooove this as a kid AND as an adult too. I want to stand in front of every sparkly shop window and look at the bright and shiny Christmas decoration with him without needing a toilet or having the feeling of the baby falling out any second. I want to go to the parks and forests around Vienna to be closer to nature than just in the dusty grey city but portable toilets for the pocket have not been invented yet. I don't want to hold and protect my belly when lying next to Leander on the sofa.
But the worst part is - how do I tell him? I don't want to mention the baby all the time. So I'm tired. I was ill - ok that was reasonable. I'm exhausted. And yes - sometimes I just DO have a baby belly that stops me from doing things. And now Leander is saying things like:
"Mama - no toilet no???"
"Mama - not tired no???"
"Mama - where are you???" while I'm sitting right next to him.
So - where am I?
I'm in a place of letting go. I have watched the two boys here bond even closer over the past few months. Fun Daddy who takes him out when it's too much. Who goes swimming with him and who picks him up when he is too tired to walk the stairs to the top floor. I am happy for them but I feel left out at times. I feel like losing my little boy although I know this is not true. But when will I be back?
The baby is coming soon. She will need me. A lot. If all goes well I will be her main food supply during the first 6 months. I will spend the mornings with her and the afternoons with her and Leander. If I am lucky I get to spend some time in the evening with Leander. When he is tired and exhausted from his day. And I will be tired and exhausted too, let's face it.
Jesper Juul, a wonderful Danish educator, said that it is important for the first born to have lots of quality time with his dad. Because both are missing those moments with the most important woman in their life. They are sharing something common. So yes - they are lucky to have each other. But it is tough for me to watch that and not being able to do much about it. To let go. For a while at least.
But somehow I hope it will work out. And that despite of less sleep, my baby brain and the challenge of being calm and respectful to two children and a husband I will be fun mommy again. Soon.
Any experiences and advices are highly appreciated. Thank you!
apparently Diedre had trouble commenting so I am copying in here what she wrote to me in an email:
ReplyDeleteI am also expecting my second child soon, in late March/early April, just about a month before my daughter's 2nd birthday. So much of what you wrote sounds just like what I feel and think and worry about! I am very grateful that my daughter and my husband have an excellent relationship, because that will indeed be important. I have had to feel left out a lot over the past few months as I have been working half time while my husband stays home with her. But it is good for both of them, and I am getting used to it.
I have no advice, but I will be watching to see what advice you receive! I also worry about dividing my attention between two children. I very much enjoy being attentive to my daughter and her needs and interests, but I worry about meeting the emotional and physical needs of two children at the same time.
I also wonder about how/how much to talk to my daughter about the new baby. I am trying my best to prepare her without overdoing it. She's only 20 months old. She is very interested in the idea of breastfeeding, but I don't think she actually understands. It's very sweet, she frequently offers her milk cup to my breasts so they can take a drink of milk! Ah well. I feel that as long as I have introduced the important baby-related ideas to her, she will take what she can from it and she'll learn the rest when the baby arrives. At the moment it is most important to me that when others/strangers start talking to her about the new baby and becoming a big sister, at least she will have heard those ideas first from her parents, and won't be completely confused or surprised. I am specifically interested in how much I should be talking about the whole "you're going to be a big sister" idea. On the one hand, I want her to feel at home in her new family role, and feel some pride and ownership. On the other hand, I don't want to put too much pressure or expectation on her, and I want her to know that she will always be my girl and I will always be her mom, and that won't change.
Sorry, this is getting long. I have been searching the internet for new sibling advice, especially with RIE or similar philosophy, and I haven't found much. My specific concern is any advice for how to be respectfully attentive to more than one child at the same time! So, I will be paying attention to your blog and your comments to see what I can learn.
Hi Diedre,
Deletethanks for your email. I'm glad I am not the only one with those thoughts and fears. Makes me feel a bit more normal again :)
I know what you mean regarding the "how much should I talk to my child about the baby?" I puzzled about this a lot too. In the end I just told him what was necessary. That a baby was in my belly and he needs to be careful. At some point I bought a book but he barely looks at it. He does not ask any questions or talks much about it. Rarely he says that he is having a baby in his belly too. When we were at the Charity shop the other day he found a baby doll and wanted it so we bought it and every now and then he plays with it. He tells her stuff I tell him like "I will be with you in a second." Very cute. But still. I leave it up to him. I don't want to bring the topic up all the time. I did start telling him that it could happen any time now though and the closer we get to the due date I will make sure he is not freaking out when I am not here when he wakes up in the morning. That's it.
I hope I can offer a bit more insights for you since you are a few months behind me and if I find the time I will surely blog about how things are going with the two.
someone commented this on our mamas-in-the-making - facebook page and I found it really lovely (careful: tears coming up!!!): http://www.kveller.com/mayim-bialik/tag/second-child/
Hope you like it. Thanks again for your thoughts and email and all the best for you! And let me know how you are getting on too please!!
Hi Diedre,
Deleteanother thing I just remembered that I found very helpful when being told a few weeks into this second pregnancy:
what is very important to remember is that the first child should always be the Number 1. Not in terms of being spoilt or always getting first what he or she is demanding. But we should not forget that the firstborn has a clear "spot" in the family system and has just gotten used to it over the past years. Number 2 (sorry for being so numerous today) does not have that yet and still has to find his or her spot. So when both children are crying or demanding anything of you - try to focus on the firstborn first. It might not always be easy with the baby but I thought this was a very logical thought and I am really glad I heard it and will keep it in mind.
Best,
Nadine