PRAiSE ME

For the last month I have been back to work a few days a week. My colleagues show a great interest in my life as a mother but since in their eyes I am not practicing general common known methods of parenting quite a few discussions have erupted in the last weeks and this one really got me thinking.

It came up that I am not intending to praise my son for doing his first steps, for painting a nice picture or for a good mark in school. I even think I saw their "What kind of mother are you?" thoughts shining through their eyes.
I admit that it is not something I would (or should I say I wouldn't) intend to do naturally. I read about it throughout my reading, research and discussions on parenting and first it sounded strange to me too but when I got to think about it it all made so much sense.

Alfie Kohn created the word "prasie junkies" but that's just one of five reasons why we shouldn't call out "Good job!" as soon as a child has acted to our expectations. Read more on that in his own article here.

So when my son is taking the wipe out of my hand to clean himself instead of me doing it I am tempted to say "Well done!" but instead I bite my tongue and quietly say "Oh you can clean yourself." and when he hands me the wipe back I say "Thank you!" Why should I praise him for a developmental step?
His first steps I commented with "Hey, you made it! That is great I'm so happy for you!" and I hugged him and laughed with him. These are very special moments and I still see the pride and happiness in his eyes even if I don't shout out "Well done!". But instead of just praising him I am enjoying the moment WITH him.
And I hope this will help to avoid what I heard of my colleagues when we discussed all this, because they said that they are dependent on their parent's acknowledgement and recognition, that they need their boss or colleagues to tell them what a great job they are doing and that friends show what good friends they are. And I thought this is sad. Am I really sitting here, 32 years old in the process of changing my life and my career hoping my mom would say "I'm proud of you!" ? I would have to ask for whom I am doing all this, wouldn't I?
Of course I am happy when my mom supports what I'm doing, but I don't need her to praise me. And luckily she never did. When I moved to Great Britain she certainly wasn't happy, especially considering the fact that I had taken years to finish my study in engineering and would now go into "nowhere" without a job or anything in my mind. The better it felt when a few years back she said that she is happy for me and my experiences, that I took my chance to go away for a while and learned a bit about life before settling into it.

It is the same in my job. What I have to do needs to be done. Why should anybody say "Great job!" Of course this can come when I am doing something really good in a very short time but then what happens? First they expect me to deliver the same "great job" next time too when I am not able to and they are disappointed or I do but they got used to it and won't acknowledge it again which will result in my disappointment. In the end the line "Great job!" was just a "feel good" moment I had once. If I don't rely on it, do my job the best I can and enjoy what I do I should have lots of feel good moments. And this is what is important, this is what we should convey our children. That they should do something they like, that they should enjoy the process and know for themselves if the result is in their eyes good or bad. We shouldn't raise those praise junkies like me colleagues that can't wait for acknowledgement the minute they finish a job and who are rather angry with my boss because he never does.

Yesterday my husband sent me an email from a colleague of his who really praised the job my husband just did. Of course Jan was happy and I was happy for him. But today or tomorrow or next month it is much more important that my husband LOVES his job, that he loves going to work on a monday morning and that such emails come as a surprise to him rather UNexpected. Isn't that we all should aim for?

TO MY BROTHER

18 years ago today my brother died in a car accident and changed our family forever. I was 14 years old and ever since that day he didn't come home anymore I lived a "what if..." life. Thinking about what tragical incidents could happen to other family members, friends and friend of friends. The amount of phantasy in my head I'm usually happy for did not help with that at all and no matter how hard people tried to convince me that I shouldn't imagine what might not come - I couldn't stop. Until I became a mother myself.

Obviously I was scared. Scared that this terrible experience in my life would turn myself into this overprotective mother that is worried all the time. And I'm thankful for this wonderful little person that has taught me so much already.

Before our son was born I was reading a book about pregnancy and birth and the author actually suggested to sit down and at least shortly think about the tiny but terrifying possibility of a miscarriage. And for the first time I couldn't. It stressed me so much that I knew instantly it wouldn't do me any good. The fear is there anyway, all the time but finally I managed to shut it out. Ignore it and believe that everything would be alright. And it was. Partly. The little man was diagnosed with a heart defect shortly after birth and there it was again. Right in front of me. The "what if..." situation. The fear and anxiety.
At the same time I met another mother who became a good friend and introduced me to some buddhistic principles. Live in the moment was one of them. Forget about the past and don't think about the future. Be right here. Right now. I learned that Buddhists try to achieve this state of mind where they deal with such situations or really bad experiences the way that they still take something out of it, that it doesn't wipe them out completely and send them into a depressive valley, that they accept these things as much as they happily accept all the joy and wonderful moments.

I wanted the same. I didn't want to become a Buddhist like that but I wanted to enjoy life right now without this long time partner "What if..." on my side anymore. I didn't want an "if" at all anymore. So I tried. I tried to be there and don't think about tomorrow. And it was good.

The day the little Lman had to go into surgery Jan came into the hospital early in the morning so he would be there to take him onto the OR with me. I was desperately waiting for his arrival to hand the little man over and let myself down into the mess I was feeling inside. But Jan was a mess himself and all of a sudden I had to get up and stand for myself. I had to pull myself together and be strong. I didn't think about this at all and that was a good thing. I wasn't prepared and so I just went through. And survived. As much as Jan survived and the little man. That taught me that the buddhistic thinking is right. There is no way to prepare yourself for any situation in life. So don't waste time and wreck your brain and try. instead - enjoy the moment. Live now!

But even more important - look at your child. Enjoy him and let him change you. Don't just stand there as this fully grown adult who is in charge of this little person. Allow the little person to be in charge too. Only so you can walk this way together and grow.

One day I will not tell him about his uncle he never had but about the brother I had for 14 years of my life.

ZEN AND THE iMPORTANCE OF STRUGGLE

Today I went to a "Alexander Technique and Meditation" workshop. Something very unique and since I didn't have much experience with either of those 2 methods I was intrigued and well surprised. Not just by the outcome for myself but also by the realisation how close this can be related to parenting.




We started off with some easy led meditation and afterwards a girl asked what you do if you suddenly feel your nose itching or your foot being uncomfortable. I thought that you would obviously try to sort such things out quickly to go on with your meditation without being distracted. After all that's what it's all about. Or is it ?
The answer was - it isn't. Especially Zen meditation is rather about being in the moment. Feeling the moment. Feeling the situation, the surroundings but also your body and your soul TOGETHER. An itchy nose or a slight twist in the body can rather be seen as a challenge. What does that feel like? Can I actually stand it? Will it go away or will it get worse? Can other thoughts distract me from that and make me forget about it? This is being with yourself in THAT moment. And more. It is about dealing with also the unpleasant situations. We tend to invite and deeply enjoy the good thoughts, the fun, the joy. At the same time we try to avoid difficult situations, find the easiest way out and do all we can to bring ourselves back to the easy going place. Unfortunately this is a one way track. We don't learn how to deal with conflicts, bad or even sad moments. We find it more and more difficult to cope. And we concentrate on the good stuff which we can't often enjoy as much because the disability to handle the bad stuff is floating above us more and more. You can see where this is going.

It doesn't mean that you shouldn't scratch your nose straight away when it bothers you or that you should watch that mosquito bite you just for the experience of dealing with it for hours or days afterwards. It just means to try and find the middle. Don't always go the easiest way. Don't always just run away from difficult situations or those that could possibly be some.

And this was when I quickly made a loop to the most present topic in my head nowadays - parenting. We try to teach our children to cope with frustration from a very early age. When they want to move in a way they can't yet (rolling over and back again, crawling, walking etc...), when a toy is stuck under the cupboard, when out playing with other kids and conflicts arise... The list goes on. And with the above explanation you see how IMPORTANT it is to really let this happen.
Still a lot of parents say "I can't let my child cry, I can't see him struggle, he will learn to deal with frustration or conflicts early enough." Well and this is where I slowly shake my head and say: "No he won't." Because of that spiral, that one way road. He will rather either learn to rely on the parent to solve the problem for him or he will learn how to leave it, run away, go on with something else and start to ignore conflicts.

I do not say to implement Zen meditation on your child. I'm saying: Give them the chance to struggle, the opportunity to express anger and the possibility of a self found solution. Not all the time and not under pressure. Just so they can experiences the down side as well as the fun side to not just find their middle in life but also find it joyful and satisfying. And after all - to not let them sit in a meditation workshop at the age of 30 and suddenly realise what they have not known, missed out and are now at the very beginning of learning.

PRACTiCE, PRACTiCE, PRACTiCE...

When I was in school I was told what Lenin used to say: "Practise, practise and practise!" And when I couldn't always find the motivation I am now also lacking the patience to practise over and over again. If something is just not happening - I'm done with it. Therefore I was astonished to watch this little scene just before.

We were having lunch and without thinking much I unscrewed a drinking carton to give Leander something to drink. He reached his little arm - not for the drink but for the cap. I gave it to him and he again reached out his arm to place this cap on top of the opening in the carton. When it fell on the floor over and over again I placed himself on the floor with the cap and the carton and was sure the interest in this game would be over in now time (remembering my latest blog post). But this time I was wrong.



For several minutes he was highly concentrated and occupied with his self set task. He managed to place the cap on the hole but is not able to screw it yet. The cap would then always slip out of his fingertips into his hands which made the whole thing more difficult. And what I saw then really struck me.



He put the cap on the floor only to then pick it up carefully with his fingertips. And then he placed it back on top of the carton and so on.



And when I thought he might be getting frustrated because he was not able to screw it, so when the cap did stay on but was easily lifted it looked to me as if he was checking if it is fixated. Instead I realised that every time he just lifted the cap again to start his game over and over.


Now that was a lot of cap and carton talk. But who would have thought that this might be such a thrilling toy?
And again we learned - we do not need to teach anything. Not how to hold things, how to screw things or anything. And we do certainly not need to tell them how to do things better or different. When he put the cap down to grab it differently... that was one of those Aha-moments we want to miss as little as our children want to miss their learning experiences.


sorry for the terrible pictures I just could pull out my phone quickly otherwise I would have distracted Leander from his play.

TOYS

It has been said often. But looking around toy shops, parents' shopping bags before Christmas or Easter (which seems to be becoming another Christmas madness) it looks like it can't be repeated over and over again: Children do not need bright and shiny, several senses stimulating, challenging and encouraging toys. It's the simple things they enjoy the most.

Careful reading about Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber and their approach on toys and children's entertainment we were attempted not to overwhelm our son with oh so many toys. I believe so far we did quite well. But still, there are the temptations in the toy shops, the own childhood memories and the thought of giving your child all he needs to develop well. It is a struggle after all and here is a summary of our journey so far.

Before Leander could actually grab and here I mean purposefully grab - seeing something, wanting it and grabbing it - there was a time where I was impatient. I had some soft toys ready for him and with his first teeth approaching I wanted him to be able to grab a carrot or a wooden ring to bite and chew on. As soon as he was able to all the soft toys ended up in his playpen until a friend reminded me of what Pikler had said "not more than 4 toys at a time". And it made sense because the playpen seemed to be overloaded and the little man was not playing with any of them. So every now and then I removed some of the toys in there, replaced them by some others etc...

When our son became rather active and moved around a bit more we learned what really interested him - the paper my husband left lying on the floor nearby, the plastic bag with cough drops that slipped out of my pocket... such things way more interesting than those colourful knitted dices and sewed animals and puppets my mom had made herself.

Obviously - with the crawling, sitting and standing up EVERYTHING in reach that belonged to us (Laptop, mobile phone, books, coffee cups... you name it) was much more interesting than the toy car or the wooden mobile he was so keen on the week before. In a charity shop I bought him stacking cups and a stacking tower. After all I wanted him to have something and it was cheap as well. Well he LOVES the stacking cups and would love the tower but that just challenges his frustration skills (which is worth a whole new blog post).
In the playgroup I discovered that he loves playing with balls and wooden cars. I bought him one each for his birthday. Now that I am writing this I seem to remember that wooden car and realise I have not seen it in a week. It also seems that half of Vienna heard that Leander loves balls so he's got a bucket full of them now. They are so small though that it takes him 10 minutes for them to end up under the furniture and a minute later he won't miss them at all.

One day the hoover came out while Leander was around (usually we hoovered when one of us was out with him because he was so scared of the crawling noisy monster). Well now he seemed highly interested in getting to know that monster and was entertained by it (or entertained it) for a whole day. When we bought a new hoover and he kept playing with it so happily we gave him the tube of the old monster as a toy. That was interesting. For a bit.
A friend of my husband gave him a tube for cleaning building sites which makes funny noises when you blow in. A brilliant toy and you should have seen the look on Leander's face when he brought that home with him. He couldn't care less about me as long as this tube was around. Now since he's got it in the living room obviously declared as a toy it is - yes - just not interesting at all.

Cables have been the hit for EVER. So my husband looked for an old one we don't need anymore. It was received well and is now... well actually. Where is it??

Today Leander was playing with 6 empty beer bottles in their crate. Taking them out, putting them into the cupboard and back. My first thought was to take our plastic cycling bottles, fill an empty beer crate with them and give him that to play instead of the old glass bottles. But somehow I got the feeling that as soon as I give him the crate for the purpose of playing he will find... well... anything else more interesting.

It's not just that a child doesn't really need toys as produced and sold by people who are interested in making money and not in our children's happiness and daily fun. It's that our children see for themselves what is fun to be with, fun to blow in, to pull on, to stack on top of each other and to fill from one item into another. Of course we can't let them play with anything in the house (that's why he is still interested in our phones and laptops). But we can realise that he is the one to choose and what's interesting today might not even be blinked at tomorrow. And that again is the excitement of it all.

THANK YOU.

When I was thinking about a new blog post yesterday it occured to me that all I write is mainly about how good and wonderful it all goes. I therefore decided this time I would share something I am not so happy about. So you know we are just "normal" too and it's not all perfect. And maybe I can finally let go.

When little Lman was around 10 months old we started the nightly weaning which went very very well. I told him in the evening that during the night dad would come and check on him and when my husband did so the little man was back to sleep in no time. I couldn't believe it.
A few weeks later little Lman slept through the night more and more often. I was only breastfeeding him in the evening before he went to bed and I knew he didn't need that anymore, that it was just a habit now and for me as much as for him. So when we decided to stop that too I was worried but at the same time I knew I really wanted that. I wanted my husband to be able to take him to bed too, I wanted the freedom of not having a certain time at which I had to be at home when I went out for a meeting.

The day came and again, this went really smooth. But this time I forgot to tell little Lman that the last time when I actually fed him would be the last time. So when I put im down for the night a day later I gave in easily and fed him again. This went on for a few days and I knew it was me. Suddenly I couldn't let go. I couldn't bring myself to tell him "Tonight is the last night I will breastfeed you before you go to bed honey." But on the other hand I allowed my husband to put the little man down for the night again. And then I was ill. The flu totally got me and I got some strong medication. This was the sudden end. A week later I took my little man to bed and he did the usual - he started to look for my breasts, he still expected me to feed him. But I was still on medication and pretty sure the milk had gone as there wasn't much left anyway. I soothed him by holding him and explaining and apologising. I was in tears more than he was.
After that he never "asked" for it again. Now we just cuddle before I put him in his bed. We never did that before.
I still feel bad about the "END". But I guess it is time to let go. To forgive myself. And to be grateful for a wonderful time we had for almost a year.

THANK YOU.
FORGiVE ME.
i LOVE YOU.

NEEDS

So. A lot as changed or let's say: I've got some great news. My insight into Pikler and Gerber, my son and those regular visits to parent-infant classes made me change my career direction at last. I am now becoming a playgroup educator mainly to run those parent-infant classes myself. On top of that I'll start the Montessori education in September and Pikler education is following next year or the one after. Lots of education, lots of interesting reads and thoughts. And so much to discover.

In my essay for the plagroup teacher I had to answer the following question: Why do you think are the basic mental needs of children often not fulfilled in our world?
And here are my thoughts. I'm excited to hear yours!

My first thought was - WHAT ? When talking to others or reading in some internet forums you would think that the fulfillment of basic needs have the highest priority in parents' minds. And it's true. But that doesn't mean that these needs are actually fulfilled. On the contrary, because they have such high priority, especially those mental needs are quite often NOT fulfilled.

This starts with the gross motor development. As soon as the baby becomes active, starts rolling over, sitting up, crawling and eventually walking the parents are concerned that the child might fall. They are behind him all the time, support him when there is the chance he might hit his head, they catch him when he falls and they don't trust him to be able to care for himself on slopes, steps or small hurdles. They might even help him sit up before he can and walk him before he is able to do so himself.
Not just does the child then learn to rely on this support and help and has difficulties estimating dangerous situations himself later on when he is walking and running free (finding balance, judging heights or distances etc...) - he is also lacking self confidence, pride and the joy of having mastered and achieved such situations himself. He is not learning to deal with frustration which he will undoubtedly face later in life. The parents' fear, this instinct to protect a child does actually quite often lead the child to run into dangerous situations in life unprepared.

Similar observations can be made when it comes to the achievement of certain tasks or the exploration of things, be it toys or household items or anything. Infants discover things with their mouth, they taste them, feel the form and texture with their tongue, discover the weight. Only later they start piling up cups or stones or wooden bricks (whatever is available), putting things from one bowl into another, emptying drawers and place the items back in. They learn how to flip pages in a book and how to play with a car "correctly". But if we show them how to do that, they don't get the chance to learn for themselves. And even worse - we interfere with their creativity, focus and attention span. A child needs two things to achieve those tasks or to discover this world full of things: Firstly, a prepared environment in which he can move freely and touch and taste everything around him. Secondly, observing parents who provide age appropriate items or toys. How annoying is it to see an interesting thing, reach it, discover it with all senses and suddenly have it taken out of our hands because you are too young for it?

We as parents have to be very observing here. Our job is not just to remove inappropriate or dangerous things from his reach in the first place but also to see and learn what our child wants, what he prefers. There is no point in piling up books and reading them all the time to him when he is clearly interested in stacking cups or balls. We do not need to sing and talk constantly to develop his speech, when he is capable and happy to play on his own for certain times. Guidelines and standards on what a child MUST be able to at a certain age can interfere here a lot. We might not see our child and all his capabilities anymore but the task he is NOT yet capable of. Therefore we do not respect and appreciate him the way he deserves, we are nervous, and while we may tell him that we love him while at the same time aren't paying full attention sends mixed messages that children pick up on immediately. Children have such fine senses...

The guidelines and standards are not just a problem often introduced (and produced) by pediatricians. They are also a problem of our society. Not just are random people asking "Can he walk yet? Stand free? Talk?". They are also keen to advise that if we don't act like such and such we might end up having a little tyrant in our house. And I mean tyrant. There is a book by a German children's psychiatrist that's called "Why our children become tyrants". A lot of people are annoyed by that title but I think he has just picked up what he heard from the older generation and people without children. Because this is what society is scared of, what they call our children. And we as parents are easily scared. Especially when those motherly instincts don't kick in just like that the minute the child is born. When we start digging our way through the forest of how-to-manuals and guidebooks for successful parenting. This is when we get confused, when we try things and forget to look at our own child. We are not ourselves and therefore we can't provide our child with the continuity, love and appreciation he deserves.

This leads to another reason I would like to address - the amount of courses and groups we are offered to attend with our newborn. Partly because of those guidelines and standards, partly because there is an obsession to raise little geniuses and to promote and encourage them from day one. A child's calendar can be stuffed with dates in music classes, swimming lessons, playgroups where games are taught and language classes. The list is endless, the offers unlimited and no price too high. Again we might push our child in a direction he is not willing to go or not capable or or both not willing and capable YET. We promote everything in order to open up chances and possibilities in life but at the same time we often overcharge those little persons. No day is the same, no routine to rely on, no idea what is coming next, insecurity and unease. The list is as endless as the list of courses and classes.

Last but not least are we as parents at risk of JUST caring for the child, of just trying to fulfill all needs that we forget about our own, forget about ourselves, our partnerships, friendships and social activities. We are growing frustrated, dissatisfied and maybe even aggressive. We are tired and easily distracted. We are not the loving, natural and respectful person anymore our child needs to feel home, secure and loved.

I am scared to say - I do believe many children are lacking the fulfillment of their mental needs. And I wish I could change the world. But then again I wish I could change so many things in this world that I can only try and care for my own child as good as I can and with my new education ahead help other parents to do the same.