In my recent post "Montessori was right" I have mentioned how important it is to allow children to take part in our life for real, not just with plastic toys in their room. And while I'm convinced of the amazing and wonderful work of Maria Montessori and agree with what Nicole from Montessori School of Mount Pleasant and Little Learners Lodge wrote in her recent post I do think that at the age 0-3 the Pikler or RIE principles are much more valuable.
When I first heard about Montessori and Pikler I thought "Now what's actually the difference between their approaches?" and found out that Montessori mainly focused on the age group 3-6 (The Children's House) and Pikler on the age group 0-3. Then I discovered some writings and information on Montessori's thoughts on the very young infant e.g. the book "Montessori from the start" and with Leander attending a Montessori creche I figured that - in the end - both women had very similar approaches. I still believe that to be true, but I have found a few Montessori ideas to lead in the "wrong" direction.
The material
Montessori is especially known for her own special materials she has thought through and developed with a lot of experiences in mind. With most of these materials she is aiming for some skills to be achieved, sometimes in various steps, sometimes straight away. A few materials are self explaining, a few need demonstrations to the child from a teacher or caregiver. I do believe that especially at the age 0-2 this is just not necessary and partly even obstructive.
According to RIE principles what we want to "teach" a child is to be free to choose whatever he wants to play (with). Until a child can speak it is - in my opinion - much better if all the toys or materials are open (as Pikler called it), so no didactic background, no skills needed or to be achieved. Simply playing and having fun. Montessori actually said "Children can not not learn." So why go and place materails in their reach that need demonstration?
Of course it took me a while to come to that thought and I have been there myself letting Leander pour water from one jug into another or shovel beans from one bowl into the next. Of course I had to show him, if I'd only placed two jugs on a tray on the shelf he would not have known what to do with it. And of course he enjoyed it. A lot. But it was not HIS decision to play with that. It was me who asked him to, who showed him how to do it and who watched him the whole time. At this very young age (he was 18 months old) this is just not necessary. Even now (he is almost 22 months old) he is happy playing with toys that don't need explanation. He loves cars, books and small toy animals he shows to us waiting for us to say what it is. He is developing his speech more than anything at the moment, what does he need to shovel beans for?
He does learn how to use a spoon simply by using one for his meals every single day.
Another problem is that at this age children still take a lot of things into their mouth, they throw things (oh dear, when will it stop?) and they drop things on purpose (discovering physics). If you are happy collecting beans, whiping the floor, changing clothes and fishing little things out of your child's little mouth you are welcome to offer those materials. I for myself have found it too stressful for all of us.
Cooking
As mentioned before - at this age children want to take part in the household and they are very proud if they are allowed. Dusting, hoovering, helping with the laundry etc. It is all great and I can only recommend it. But the cooking - which is a great part in Montessori houses - I would postpone. It again has some aim - a proper meal. With the laundry or the dishes I don't mind if he replaces them, if he carries them around or places a cup on his head. When he hoovers he enjoys switching the hoover on and off more than actually hoovering. All fine. But when it comes to food I'm quite strict. I don't want it to be thrown, I don't want it to be wasted but I also don't want to cook a proper meal and a fake meal. So there will be so many "rules" that again I find it too much and too difficult for a child that age.Keep it simple and don't make a great effort of a simple daily task that in the end will actually have nothing to do with the task itself anymore.
Potty training
I know from the creche Leander attends that the Montessori approach is very much aiming for the independence of a child. But it goes that far that potty training is something they are quite keen on because obviously it helps with the self dependence. But this is not a skill you can practice day in day out. It is a physical development that takes time. For some children more than for others and I believe that no pressure here will lead to way more success than anything else.
Sleeping
Montessori suggests giving your child a floor bed rather than a cot as he can choose when to go to sleep and can easily climb in and out himself. Again the self dependence is the great goal behind this idea. And while I have to admit that a big bed can be very helpful and relaxing for the whole family I do believe that a child
a) needs a cozy and secure boundary around himself and
b) will not go to bed and stay there all by himself until he is sound asleep. Life is just too exciting at this age to simply lay down and sleep.
We have exchanged Leander's cot with a bunk bed where he has the mattress basically under the bed with curtains around and the actual bed is used as a big changing table. It is very very cozy, he loves it and it has proven very helpful at nights when Leander is ill or just can't get back to sleep. Because that way we simply lay down next to him and sometimes even sleep in his bed with him for a while. The down part is that he is NEVER falling asleep on his own in the evening. We have to stay with him until he is in dreamland otherwise he will just follow us back to the living room all the time. So although he might say "Brush" when he gets tired and wants to brush his teeth in order to go to bed he still wouldn't just doze off all by himself. And I have to say: That's okay! He is not even 2 years old, he needs us and we're there. So the floorbed is great if you enjoy cuddle times with your child in the evening but not with the expectation of a tired child just laying down for the night all by himself.
In general, what I do believe to be the "problem" with the Montessori pedagogy for the agegroup 0-3 is that the independence is this great expectation in the back. Every toy, every material seems to have an achievement in its description.
Especially at this age children and most parents have all the time in the world. Nobody should be rushing them, no milestone should be more important than the joy and happiness of an exploring child.
Why is my son in a Montessori creche then? By no means I am meaning to criticise the creche Leander is attending. Of all places I could leave him while I simply have to work this is the best I can think of. As I said - Montessori has a similar approach in mind - and after all the children in this creche have a lot of time for "free play" and are treated with a lot of respect. Compared to many other creches where the children are entertained all day I am very happy with the place I leave my boy in in the mornings.
I just believe that if you've got a choice or if you are at home with your child for the first few years focusing on the RIE principles rather than expensive Montessori material can be much more valuable.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
CAREFUL LiTTLE HANDS
This evening I had a meeting within our housing project. I had to take Leander to the office because his father came to pick him up there on his way home from work. While I was preparing the flipcharts and the To do list in the meeting room, Leander made himself busy in the kitchen. Usually I would run after him and carefully watch what he was doing. Today I just took all the knives out of the drawer and placed them out of reach. Then I did what I had to do and Leander did what he felt like doing.
Since I am recently doing the Montessori children's house teacher training I am aware of the joy and excitement children bring along for all sorts of housework. Basically everything they see us doing. They want to be part of our world and society. So they don't just copy us in their play, they want to take part in the REAL world. And it is our job to LET THEM (in a safe environment).
This does not mean placing plastic cups and cutlery and knitted fruits in their reach. It means to trust them and allow them to experience with the real stuff.
I have been really keen but also a bit scared with that myself. I bought Leander glass bottles from the beginning (until I learned that he would refuse any type of bottle or drinking item that is not the breast). He learned drinking in a plastic cup called the "Doidy Cup" because it was THE ONLY thing he would accept when he started eating and needed to take in a bit more fluids. After that he was allowed to drink from glasses, ceramic cups and eat from ceramic plates with stainless steel spoons and forks. So far he broke one plate in two halfs so we could glue it back together (because it is a plate from me when I was little and I love it) and the handle of one cup. I was almost hoping there would be more damage in the cup section as we have too many anyway.
It took me a while to empty the dish washer with Leander around because as soon as he sees the machine open he comes running over reaching me every single glass, cup, plate and spoon. He loves to help and he is so careful that so far nothing happened. It's in our heads and once it's there - it happens. But even if it did - don't we ever drop any plates by accident?
If we keep taking things out of their little but careful hands the minute they grab them we take chances and opportunities from them to learn, to experience and to practise. And at the age of 14 we might shout at them for not being independent and careful.
So here is what Leander felt like doing and although I didn't need him to because we had a meeting planned and not a dinner I couldn't help but watch (and film):
Unfortunately I stopped too early but here is a picture of him a little later with a pizza plate that is almost as big as himself in his hands:
Montessori once said something like "If we give them precious material to work (play) with the children will feel precious too." Without words, hugs or kisses. And I think I have seen the living proof of that today.
Since I am recently doing the Montessori children's house teacher training I am aware of the joy and excitement children bring along for all sorts of housework. Basically everything they see us doing. They want to be part of our world and society. So they don't just copy us in their play, they want to take part in the REAL world. And it is our job to LET THEM (in a safe environment).
This does not mean placing plastic cups and cutlery and knitted fruits in their reach. It means to trust them and allow them to experience with the real stuff.
I have been really keen but also a bit scared with that myself. I bought Leander glass bottles from the beginning (until I learned that he would refuse any type of bottle or drinking item that is not the breast). He learned drinking in a plastic cup called the "Doidy Cup" because it was THE ONLY thing he would accept when he started eating and needed to take in a bit more fluids. After that he was allowed to drink from glasses, ceramic cups and eat from ceramic plates with stainless steel spoons and forks. So far he broke one plate in two halfs so we could glue it back together (because it is a plate from me when I was little and I love it) and the handle of one cup. I was almost hoping there would be more damage in the cup section as we have too many anyway.
It took me a while to empty the dish washer with Leander around because as soon as he sees the machine open he comes running over reaching me every single glass, cup, plate and spoon. He loves to help and he is so careful that so far nothing happened. It's in our heads and once it's there - it happens. But even if it did - don't we ever drop any plates by accident?
If we keep taking things out of their little but careful hands the minute they grab them we take chances and opportunities from them to learn, to experience and to practise. And at the age of 14 we might shout at them for not being independent and careful.
So here is what Leander felt like doing and although I didn't need him to because we had a meeting planned and not a dinner I couldn't help but watch (and film):
Unfortunately I stopped too early but here is a picture of him a little later with a pizza plate that is almost as big as himself in his hands:
Montessori once said something like "If we give them precious material to work (play) with the children will feel precious too." Without words, hugs or kisses. And I think I have seen the living proof of that today.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
GOOD MOM, BAD MOM
Recently I haven't been the most patient person in the world. The little man was ill, then I was ill and we all were sneezing into each other's directions too often, annoying the other one until the situation became highly explosive. And this is what happened. I did explode quite a few times until one evening I was lying in the arms of my husband crying about me being such a bad mother.
I'm not. I know. I care a lot about my son and I love him all the way to the moon and back (and even further). I want him to know that and to be sure of that. All the time. And this is the hard part. No matter how often we tell our children how much we love them, how often we kiss them and stroke their wonderful little heads. It is not all.
Think about it. When your partner tells you that he loves you every day, over and over again you might enjoy it, but at some point it becomes a phrase rather than a moment that makes your heart jump. It's the other things, that make you realise that (s)he loves you. And it can't be said what it is. Because every person is different, every relationship sailing on a different sea. And so it is with children. There is no "you have to carry your child all the time!" or "You have to breastfeed as long as possible." It all depends on the child too and what it really needs and wants and what YOU need and want.
So this is our path. Always trying to figure out where our child leads us and where we are willing to follow. What's possible and what's a NO!go (that might result in a mad tantrum). But even that is not the same every day. Today I might be willing to flip through "Goodnight Gorilla" about a 500 times after we've already been through the caterpillar and the crazy cat with that hat and the Curious George collection. Tomorrow I might be tired after a couple of books because I've had a rough day, the kitchen looks like a bulldozer has just lost track and the washing is waiting for a few rounds in the machine. Then this isn't the moment to be super mommy and loving by continuing to read and flip and... not enjoying it. Because the little person is not that stupid. It is not stupid at all!
Leander is really good in sensing these moments. While sitting on my lap with his back to me he turns his head around looking at me like "Mom, are you still there?". I'm real if I'm saying "No honey, you know I'm really busy and I will look at more books with you when I've done all this and my head is clear." This might not be followed by a happy "Hooray yeah that's ok mom!" but this is exactly the situation our children have to learn to deal with. And they are capable if we allow these situations to happen from the very beginning. AND: if we allow them to appear mind- and respectful. Which is an even harder problem especially when patience has been swiped with a cloth full of headache and flue bacteria. In these moments we tend to say things a little louder and in a much more accusing voice. "No Leander, I'm sick of flipping through those books over and over again. You can look at them all by yourself anyway! Give me just ONE minute please, will you?"
Why am I accusing him like that, he's done nothing but being there having fun with me and all of a sudden I'm turning into monster mommy. So how did this happen?
Well, most of the times it actually adds up bit by bit, sometimes faster, sometimes slower. And we might feel it or not. And then the moment comes when it's just too much. The trick is to step out of the situation just BEFORE that moment kicks in and the you-phrases begin to pop out of our head. I know it's not easy but raising children simply isn't. And while we have to be very aware and present to get to know them we have to be aware and present with ourselves too. Usually we aren't. There is too much going on and we're focusing on the wrong things. Stop that and listen. Listen to yourself, get to know yourself so you can make sure your child can get to know you too. Because this is what he wants - knowing who this person is he is loving unconditionally.
Having thought about this and written about it I am surely not super mommy myself all of a sudden. But I'm a little step closer. Because in the end super mommy does not exist. But a wonderful neverending way up aiming to become one does.
Friday, January 6, 2012
ON THE ROAD
Leander wasn't the fastest in his gross motor development. He took his time crawling, sitting up, standing and walking. But whenever he achieved one of those steps he enjoyed it A LOT. So it was only clear to me that once he could walk I would let him do so as much as possible. Which - as it turned out - isn't that easy and natural when you live in a city with a child who LOVES cars and is not interested in playgrounds or parks.We have the Prater in Vienna, partly an amusement park with the famous Ferris Wheel and behind that a huge green park with a big wide alley running through it. The alley is closed to traffic except police cars and garbage trucks. It is THE place to be for runners, walkers, parents with prams, cyclists and Segways (some weird electronic vehicles). So I thought this was the best compromise to my son. No boring green park with only trees and grass but no main road with too much traffic either. What I did not expect was that he would not be interested in walking ALONG the alley but preferred CROSSING the alley. With a stroller and a bag it was quite a hassle to stop him from being run over by cyclists or the occasional garbage truck. I got frustrated. All parents (so it seemd) would sit in parks or on playgrounds with their children playing happily in the sand pit or the grass. Which is always greener on the other side and I know I wasn't right there.
My last idea turned out to be the greatest solution of all: Our house is on quite a big road but the next left or right turn leads us into very small roads with loads of cars parked and just a few cars driving past every now and then. I told Leander to hold my hand until we would turn into the small side roads and then I let him lead. And this was it. We would walk around for hours but never get much further away from home than 200m. In that area he could watch cars, touch cars and - the most exciting bit of all - cross roads. Here I had made the one and only rule: Whenever we would cross a road he would HAVE TO hold my hand. He did not like that but I was clear and strict about it and without really knowing the reason behind he got that I meant it. It wasn't as easy as it sounds though.
The first few days and weeks we would have the occasional screaming child lying in the middle of a junction. He sometimes just let go off my hand while we were crossing and would not - under no cicrumstances - move. In these moments I picked him up and - while he was screaming and trying to get down - explained to him why I now had to sit him back into his stroller. After such moments I then pictured those relaxed parents on the playground again... I had doubts if I expected too much of him but what could I do - force him to be happy on the playground?
During that time I had my first block of my Pikler training course. I learned that in the orphanage in Budapest the children who could walk were allowed out with a nurse and had the exact same rule - to hold hands when crossing roads. And if they didn't they were told that they COULD go back to the house. It was a matter of words. They didn't HAVE TO go back to the house, they COULD. Because they saw that the child didn't do it on purpose to annoy the nurse, they were just too overwhelmed or too tired for this situation in this very moment. So they got the possibility to go back to a safe place and play.I started using that wording too and it worked so well that sometimes when I told Leander "I need you to hold my hand now, if you can't do it you may go back into your stroller." he would nod. I learned that he in fact was too tired most of the times. The first few junctions he would hold my hand but after a while concentration was gone, it was all too much and he needed a break.
Still this was the best that could happen to him. He now walks a lot. I gave him a little toy car on a string and a wooden duck on a string and he always pulls one of them behind. These are our afternoons. We walk around the area, along the shops week for week a little further. Before we reach a junction he already stretches his arm out to one of us. The other day Jan just crossed a very quiet road without noticing Leander's hand so Leander stopped and shouted after his dad. He knows the rule and he takes it serious.
We get a lot of smiles from the people who pass us. It is a rare picture to see such a small child walking on his own (and pulling a duck or a truck) behind him. I understand that it looks dangerous with all the traffic around. But if we trust our children and allow them to learn the rules as much as we allow them to rest we might be surprised of how capable they are. I know children are different but it is worth a try before we just go ahead and push our children in strollers from playground to playground.Because it's not just that this way Leander gets enough exercise in order to enjoy a good nights sleep and a brighter day to follow. It's also that HE gets to choose where we go most of the time and you can tell how much he enjoys that when he points at a road and I agree to follow his lead. Sometimes I even think of different routes to the same destination (supermarket, subway station, home etc.) so even if he can't choose freely which way we go - he still has a choice. This may sound like a bit of a hassle for me but it isn't. I enjoy just leaving the house not knowing where we'll end up. And I believe that this way we have fewer arguments of which way we go because even if I have to decide "I need you to sit in the stroller for now, we need to be quick." (e.g. In the mornings) I can still add "But in the afternoon (or tomorrow) you'll get to choose again." And believe it or not, even if he does not like it, most of the time he nods and is fine with it. It's all about wording, explaining while respecting his feelings.
When I pick Leander up from the creche he asks for his "Pieps" immediately. It is his duck and he takes it and walks off. At the gate I used to stop and put him into the stroller because from the garden we go straight across the road to the subway station, up the elevator to the platform. One day I decided to let him walk those few metres. He took my hand, we crossed the street and in the station he let go and turned left straight for the elevator. Standing in the elevator moving up he smiled and laughed so much - as if to be free and grown up. Those are priceless moments I don't want to miss.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
WE ALL NEED SLEEP
Lately I have read a few stories about the problems moms have with sleep deprivation. Especially one story about a new study that will develop ways to identify, prevent and treat sleep problems got me thinking "What about the babies, the children that usually are seen as the source of it? They need sleep too, they WANT to sleep through the night as much as we do!
So here are my thoughts on this matter combined with my own experience.
What I have found in several internet forums is that moms actually advise each other to "lower your expectations" or "live with it, once the kids are 14 you will struggle to get them out of bed". A question of a desperate mom usually gets replies of moms who share their horrible experiences of 5 or 6 year olds that still wake up several times at night, combined with a winking smily and an invitation to join the club. I didn't find this very helpful and don't believe it's healthy for neither the children nor the moms.
Sleep is not just a chilly relaxing time we parents force on our children to get some rest ourselves. Children need sleep to regenerate, it is the basis for a healthy development. A child that slept enough is relaxed and balanced. New studies even show that the body weight is regulated during sleep. Therefore sleep can prevent obesity, researchers say. Of course children's sleep patterns change from time to time especially during developmental stages or due to illness or changes in life (e.g. new baby arrives, kindergarden starts, a move). But if they have a basic fullfilling and relaxing sleep habit they will be able to get back to that after such phases in no time.
So what can we do to get to this habit of sleeping well and sleeping through?
1. Fullfill their needs
Of course it is highest priority to fullfill your baby's needs. And I'm not saying we should not set our own needs aside a bit in the first few months. Of course we have to and we know that and are willing to. But not forever.
We have to be there, have to feed and change our baby and make sure he feels warm, comfortable and happy. But that's it. We don't have to entertain him, walk him around day and night and jump through hoops to get a smile out of him. And most importantly - we have to make sure he gets enough sleep because that is a basic need too. And in the beginning, even in the first years we are responsible for our child's sleep. We should make sure they find a routine and have a quiet and safe place to rest and sleep. Between 6 months and 2 or 3 years children are not capable of knowing when to go to sleep. They are tired but life is too exciting to miss just a second of it. But we can help them learn to trust their feeling of tiredness, allow sleep to come and feel comfortable when doing so.
2. Routines
This is an usually way underestimated part of the whole sleep situation. Children need routine. They need to know what's happening now and after. Only then they feel secure and self confident and can trust us and themselves.
The first weeks are crazy, the babies sleep most of the time, you never know when they wake up and when they do food must usually be provided instantly. Then you change the diaper and before you know it they are asleep again. At this time I struggled a lot with the uncertainty of when Leander would wake up again. I didn't dare sleeping because I feared he would wake me in my deepest dream. I only ate crap food I could make quickly.
But after a while you can see a routine - if you observe your child and allow household, phonecalls and appointments to be missed every now and then. I usually stayed in the whole morning and went out with Leander after his lunch nap. And I made sure we would be home by the time for his bedtime routine. No parties we took him to, no restaurants or anything (also see my previous post "Dinner cancellations". Ever since he had a pretty stable bedtime and bedtime routine. Since he only takes one nap a day he even knows very well when this is on. After lunch he sometimes jumps off his chair and goes straight into his room (of course I have to follow to get him to bed eventually), sometimes he goes and plays but as soon as I remind him he is off to bed.
During the summer, when the creche was closed we went away quite often and obviously all the routine was messed up. You could tell that Leander was uneasy and a bit more clingy. As soon as he went back to the creche and his daily and weekly routine was back to normal he was way happier.
3. No food at night
In the beginning it is perfectly fine to feed the baby whenever he is hungry. This so called feeding on demand is no problem at all AS LONG as it is also good for you. There are moms out there that feed a baby on a half hour schedule and are desperate. Here it is advisable to try and lengthen the time betweens feedings. Constant food consumption is not just hard for the mother that has to provide it, but also bad for the baby's organs and system. They need time to rest, fully rest.
At the age of 6 months nightly feedings can and at the age of 12 months should be stopped. Simply because the organs do not need it and with less and less daytime naps the nightly sleep becomes more and more essential. There is no problem if mothers still WANT to breastfeed their baby during the night - but please make sure the baby wants it and it's not just a created habit. I am not against long term breastfeeding up to 2 or 3 years if it's ok for both mother and child. But we all need our sleep and we should respect our baby if he can get through the night without food.
I for myself forgot to check if Leander actually still needed those feedings at night or not. I just went in like a half-sleeping robot and fed him. But then I read somewhere that before we lift a child out if his cot at night we should let him know we're there. Because it's dark and with all the crying they don't always hear us coming. So this night I went in and simply placed my hand on his hand, spoke to him and let him know I was there. Before I could get ready to take him out and feed him he was sound asleep again. This was earlier on and a surgery threw us back a few weeks and after that we decided to take some action on Leander's sleeping habits. You can read about it here.
4. slowly, gently, quiet
It may no news to you but whenever you come close to your baby be slow, gentle and quiet. The world is new and scary to them, they need soft and gentle hands that hold and stroke them, a gentle voice and a quiet environment. Do apply this at night twice as much.
When entering the room, don't immediatly switch the light on, don't take him out of his cot all of a sudden and don't talk too loud or too much. Go and see how he feels, stroke him gently, ask him if he wants to be picked up and give him time to respond (yes, even the newborns, it's about respect, not about abilities).
You might be annoyed being up for the third time, just being back to sleep after the last distraction. Leave those feelings in your bed. Take a few seconds and breathe in before getting up too quickly and angry. Your child senses your feelings and responds to them accordingly.
Don't take him out of his cot too quickly, don't carry him around all night, don't start trying EVERYTHING to get him back to sleep. Sometimes it's all they want too - sleep - and we keep them awake by running around doing everything we can.
With time you will learn the difference between the crying and the crying. Listen to him.
5. Allow them to learn, allow them to struggle
As I said before newborns need us to fullfill their needs. But do not underestimate their ability to learn and to learn quickly. Give them the chance to take lead but still lead their way. Watch and observe.
If they have difficulties falling asleep or going back to sleep - allow them to struggle. Don't run in the minute he starts making noises. Give them time to comfort themselves (not long, a few seconds for a start, a little longer when they get older). Be there and help through difficult transitions (e.g. Stop nightly feeding sessions) but don't try and be the solution. Help them find their own.
Sometimes it helped me that I felt dizzy when I got up too quick. So I had to sit and wait until I was stable. By then the crying may have stopped. This was when I realized - it isn't always the cry for help. It may also be the frustrated cry for not finding back too sleep fast enough or for banging an arm at the walls of the bed.
Leander is now 19months old and still has nights when he wakes up and cries. We don't always know why but we just sit by him and let him know we are there until he gets back to sleep. No it doesn't feel good to hear him cry, but there is nothing I can do for him apart from being there and this is what I do. And this again feels good. The majority of the nights he sleeps through roughly since he is one year old. And this was my main goal. I am not suggesting a child of 6 months SHOULD sleep through the night (although some do) but I'm also not jumping on the boat saying that 4 year olds waking up 5 times a night are normality and should be expected.
Now all these thoughts only apply to "normal" healthy children. Ihave no experience with colik babies and I am not going that far of thinking I know what to do in those tough cases. But usually a colik baby gets better after 3-5 months and you can still start from there.
These are just simple suggestions from me that may help your child to relax and sleep a healthy sleep. And if all of this does not work for you - feel good about getting help. Because your child needs to sleep and you need too!
So here are my thoughts on this matter combined with my own experience.
What I have found in several internet forums is that moms actually advise each other to "lower your expectations" or "live with it, once the kids are 14 you will struggle to get them out of bed". A question of a desperate mom usually gets replies of moms who share their horrible experiences of 5 or 6 year olds that still wake up several times at night, combined with a winking smily and an invitation to join the club. I didn't find this very helpful and don't believe it's healthy for neither the children nor the moms.
Sleep is not just a chilly relaxing time we parents force on our children to get some rest ourselves. Children need sleep to regenerate, it is the basis for a healthy development. A child that slept enough is relaxed and balanced. New studies even show that the body weight is regulated during sleep. Therefore sleep can prevent obesity, researchers say. Of course children's sleep patterns change from time to time especially during developmental stages or due to illness or changes in life (e.g. new baby arrives, kindergarden starts, a move). But if they have a basic fullfilling and relaxing sleep habit they will be able to get back to that after such phases in no time.
So what can we do to get to this habit of sleeping well and sleeping through?
1. Fullfill their needs
Of course it is highest priority to fullfill your baby's needs. And I'm not saying we should not set our own needs aside a bit in the first few months. Of course we have to and we know that and are willing to. But not forever.
We have to be there, have to feed and change our baby and make sure he feels warm, comfortable and happy. But that's it. We don't have to entertain him, walk him around day and night and jump through hoops to get a smile out of him. And most importantly - we have to make sure he gets enough sleep because that is a basic need too. And in the beginning, even in the first years we are responsible for our child's sleep. We should make sure they find a routine and have a quiet and safe place to rest and sleep. Between 6 months and 2 or 3 years children are not capable of knowing when to go to sleep. They are tired but life is too exciting to miss just a second of it. But we can help them learn to trust their feeling of tiredness, allow sleep to come and feel comfortable when doing so.
2. Routines
This is an usually way underestimated part of the whole sleep situation. Children need routine. They need to know what's happening now and after. Only then they feel secure and self confident and can trust us and themselves.
The first weeks are crazy, the babies sleep most of the time, you never know when they wake up and when they do food must usually be provided instantly. Then you change the diaper and before you know it they are asleep again. At this time I struggled a lot with the uncertainty of when Leander would wake up again. I didn't dare sleeping because I feared he would wake me in my deepest dream. I only ate crap food I could make quickly.
But after a while you can see a routine - if you observe your child and allow household, phonecalls and appointments to be missed every now and then. I usually stayed in the whole morning and went out with Leander after his lunch nap. And I made sure we would be home by the time for his bedtime routine. No parties we took him to, no restaurants or anything (also see my previous post "Dinner cancellations". Ever since he had a pretty stable bedtime and bedtime routine. Since he only takes one nap a day he even knows very well when this is on. After lunch he sometimes jumps off his chair and goes straight into his room (of course I have to follow to get him to bed eventually), sometimes he goes and plays but as soon as I remind him he is off to bed.
During the summer, when the creche was closed we went away quite often and obviously all the routine was messed up. You could tell that Leander was uneasy and a bit more clingy. As soon as he went back to the creche and his daily and weekly routine was back to normal he was way happier.
3. No food at night
In the beginning it is perfectly fine to feed the baby whenever he is hungry. This so called feeding on demand is no problem at all AS LONG as it is also good for you. There are moms out there that feed a baby on a half hour schedule and are desperate. Here it is advisable to try and lengthen the time betweens feedings. Constant food consumption is not just hard for the mother that has to provide it, but also bad for the baby's organs and system. They need time to rest, fully rest.
At the age of 6 months nightly feedings can and at the age of 12 months should be stopped. Simply because the organs do not need it and with less and less daytime naps the nightly sleep becomes more and more essential. There is no problem if mothers still WANT to breastfeed their baby during the night - but please make sure the baby wants it and it's not just a created habit. I am not against long term breastfeeding up to 2 or 3 years if it's ok for both mother and child. But we all need our sleep and we should respect our baby if he can get through the night without food.
I for myself forgot to check if Leander actually still needed those feedings at night or not. I just went in like a half-sleeping robot and fed him. But then I read somewhere that before we lift a child out if his cot at night we should let him know we're there. Because it's dark and with all the crying they don't always hear us coming. So this night I went in and simply placed my hand on his hand, spoke to him and let him know I was there. Before I could get ready to take him out and feed him he was sound asleep again. This was earlier on and a surgery threw us back a few weeks and after that we decided to take some action on Leander's sleeping habits. You can read about it here.
4. slowly, gently, quiet
It may no news to you but whenever you come close to your baby be slow, gentle and quiet. The world is new and scary to them, they need soft and gentle hands that hold and stroke them, a gentle voice and a quiet environment. Do apply this at night twice as much.
When entering the room, don't immediatly switch the light on, don't take him out of his cot all of a sudden and don't talk too loud or too much. Go and see how he feels, stroke him gently, ask him if he wants to be picked up and give him time to respond (yes, even the newborns, it's about respect, not about abilities).
You might be annoyed being up for the third time, just being back to sleep after the last distraction. Leave those feelings in your bed. Take a few seconds and breathe in before getting up too quickly and angry. Your child senses your feelings and responds to them accordingly.
Don't take him out of his cot too quickly, don't carry him around all night, don't start trying EVERYTHING to get him back to sleep. Sometimes it's all they want too - sleep - and we keep them awake by running around doing everything we can.
With time you will learn the difference between the crying and the crying. Listen to him.
5. Allow them to learn, allow them to struggle
As I said before newborns need us to fullfill their needs. But do not underestimate their ability to learn and to learn quickly. Give them the chance to take lead but still lead their way. Watch and observe.
If they have difficulties falling asleep or going back to sleep - allow them to struggle. Don't run in the minute he starts making noises. Give them time to comfort themselves (not long, a few seconds for a start, a little longer when they get older). Be there and help through difficult transitions (e.g. Stop nightly feeding sessions) but don't try and be the solution. Help them find their own.
Sometimes it helped me that I felt dizzy when I got up too quick. So I had to sit and wait until I was stable. By then the crying may have stopped. This was when I realized - it isn't always the cry for help. It may also be the frustrated cry for not finding back too sleep fast enough or for banging an arm at the walls of the bed.
Leander is now 19months old and still has nights when he wakes up and cries. We don't always know why but we just sit by him and let him know we are there until he gets back to sleep. No it doesn't feel good to hear him cry, but there is nothing I can do for him apart from being there and this is what I do. And this again feels good. The majority of the nights he sleeps through roughly since he is one year old. And this was my main goal. I am not suggesting a child of 6 months SHOULD sleep through the night (although some do) but I'm also not jumping on the boat saying that 4 year olds waking up 5 times a night are normality and should be expected.
Now all these thoughts only apply to "normal" healthy children. Ihave no experience with colik babies and I am not going that far of thinking I know what to do in those tough cases. But usually a colik baby gets better after 3-5 months and you can still start from there.
These are just simple suggestions from me that may help your child to relax and sleep a healthy sleep. And if all of this does not work for you - feel good about getting help. Because your child needs to sleep and you need too!
Monday, November 7, 2011
THE SAFE PLACE
When I was pregnant I met my friend who was also pregnant with a boy whose due date our boy stole (what a sentence). Those two boys were born 11 days apart from each other but couldn't be more different. For me they are the living example of each's child's individuality.
Today we met up with Lian at the playground. Although the boys are both becoming a bit more "social" - each on their own terms - they are not really playing with each other. It's just us mums, desperate for a chat, who make them meet up every now and then. Lian is a huge fan of the slides. He climbs up and slides down with this big grin on his face. Leander doesn't usually pay much attention to slides from that perspective. Occasionally he tries to climb them up from the bottom, fails due to the Earth's physics and goes off to something else. Today he watched Lian slide and me and his Mum laugh at him and his huge grin. So he walked around, climbed up the steps and sat down at the top of the slide. I was excited. Would he really do it? He smiled at me, turned around and for a second I thought he would slide down on his belly. Instead he walked over to the steps and back down. At this moment I loved him so much. For not doing something just because others are doing it. For not doing something because he might think I'd like it. But especially for knowing that there is always the chance to go one step back to safety, security and self confidence.
How often are we capable of going backwards? In a shop we just wanted to look around a bit ending up bying something expensive because we are too polite to say no? Getting drunk with friends because we don't want to be uncool? Jumping down the high board because it'd be too embarassing to walk back down the stairs.
If we let our children develop in their own time at their own pace they will always know what their "safe place" is in this moment. When they can crawl and only walk a few steps - crawling is their safe place. If they just start talking and they are upset - crying or screaming is their safe place. If they can physically climb up the stairs but are too tired - mum's arm is their safe place. And we have to be there in this safe place, we have to be their haven of comfort and trust. Not pushing them, not forcing them - just acknowledging the situation as it is. If we interfere too early, help out or encourage a little too much the child might focus rather at the next step than at how to manage this situation happily and joyfully - within their own physical and mental limits.
Here we really have THE chance of raising children who feel confident in what they are doing and confident in saying what they DON'T want to do.
It's taken me 30 years to actually stand up to the things I like but also the things I don't like. I had to learn the hard way that a "No!" can feel so good. And when my future neighbours get together for a circle dance again I will smile and say "No thanks!" and think of my little boy, who - so far - does not know any different.
Today we met up with Lian at the playground. Although the boys are both becoming a bit more "social" - each on their own terms - they are not really playing with each other. It's just us mums, desperate for a chat, who make them meet up every now and then. Lian is a huge fan of the slides. He climbs up and slides down with this big grin on his face. Leander doesn't usually pay much attention to slides from that perspective. Occasionally he tries to climb them up from the bottom, fails due to the Earth's physics and goes off to something else. Today he watched Lian slide and me and his Mum laugh at him and his huge grin. So he walked around, climbed up the steps and sat down at the top of the slide. I was excited. Would he really do it? He smiled at me, turned around and for a second I thought he would slide down on his belly. Instead he walked over to the steps and back down. At this moment I loved him so much. For not doing something just because others are doing it. For not doing something because he might think I'd like it. But especially for knowing that there is always the chance to go one step back to safety, security and self confidence.
How often are we capable of going backwards? In a shop we just wanted to look around a bit ending up bying something expensive because we are too polite to say no? Getting drunk with friends because we don't want to be uncool? Jumping down the high board because it'd be too embarassing to walk back down the stairs.
If we let our children develop in their own time at their own pace they will always know what their "safe place" is in this moment. When they can crawl and only walk a few steps - crawling is their safe place. If they just start talking and they are upset - crying or screaming is their safe place. If they can physically climb up the stairs but are too tired - mum's arm is their safe place. And we have to be there in this safe place, we have to be their haven of comfort and trust. Not pushing them, not forcing them - just acknowledging the situation as it is. If we interfere too early, help out or encourage a little too much the child might focus rather at the next step than at how to manage this situation happily and joyfully - within their own physical and mental limits.
Here we really have THE chance of raising children who feel confident in what they are doing and confident in saying what they DON'T want to do.
It's taken me 30 years to actually stand up to the things I like but also the things I don't like. I had to learn the hard way that a "No!" can feel so good. And when my future neighbours get together for a circle dance again I will smile and say "No thanks!" and think of my little boy, who - so far - does not know any different.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
REARRANGiNG THE PLAY AREA
Over the last months I have been keen on a simple life approach. Less is more. I tried to get rid off a lot of stuff and make the flat looke more clear. I bought a drawer for the toys in the living room so they would all be gone in the evening when I want to relax and be back in the right place in the morning. Now I have been to the first block of my Pikler training course and already I have changed the play area. I ADDED stuff. Phew
The older Leander gets the more I am keen on NEW toys. What is he interested in NOW? What's the next step? The creche gave me that feeling too, they have all this Montessori material there and I tried to copy that into our home. I even let him play with two small jugs of water, of course I showed him how first, just as Montessori describes. He surely LOVED it. But what did he get out of it (apart from wet trousers)? Exactly. Nothing. He didn't ask for it, he didn't figure it out for himself and the small but heavy jugs didn't leave much freedom for his own free play.
Free play. Yesterday I learned a lot about it. The importance of it and the characteristics. The more we talked about it the smaller I got, thinking about how I went the completely wrong direction, exactly the way I DIDN'T want to go and surely didn't want Leander to go.
So today I did a bit of a change. I put the "didactic toys" - the ones that have an aim, that have purpose - away and replaced them by "open toys" - ones that let the child explore freely for himself. Instead of the tower stack, puzzles or 100s of cars and trains there are now many balls, many cups, many bowls with many wooden bricks and many rings than could go onto a tower stick but could also be used for... Well, be creative! I also put the crayons away because he COULD BE as creative as Antek with them, but in the creche he has already been TAUGHT what to do with them but isn't really keen yet (apart from those 5 minutes once a week when the walls get a new artistic touch).
You might realise the excessive use of the word MANY there. That's right. All that kids need in their second year is just a great number of those toys they have been playing with in the first year. They want:
- put things on top of each other
- put things into each other (and see what fits where)
- (re)arrange things
- empty and fill and refill and refill cups or bowls
- push things
- move things
- climb into things (apart from Leander)
- Walk around pulling toys
- be flexible and creative with what is there
Our living room now looks like the room in the playgroup we go to. But that's wonderful, it feels right and harmonious. I can't wait to go and pick up Leander from the creche, take him home and give him back the quality of free play. Most of us haven't experienced it and are lacking qualities such as joy of exploration, concentration, focus and attention span (see also Janet Lansbury's post on this here)
I want my son at least to have the chance of building up those qualities.
The older Leander gets the more I am keen on NEW toys. What is he interested in NOW? What's the next step? The creche gave me that feeling too, they have all this Montessori material there and I tried to copy that into our home. I even let him play with two small jugs of water, of course I showed him how first, just as Montessori describes. He surely LOVED it. But what did he get out of it (apart from wet trousers)? Exactly. Nothing. He didn't ask for it, he didn't figure it out for himself and the small but heavy jugs didn't leave much freedom for his own free play.
Free play. Yesterday I learned a lot about it. The importance of it and the characteristics. The more we talked about it the smaller I got, thinking about how I went the completely wrong direction, exactly the way I DIDN'T want to go and surely didn't want Leander to go.
So today I did a bit of a change. I put the "didactic toys" - the ones that have an aim, that have purpose - away and replaced them by "open toys" - ones that let the child explore freely for himself. Instead of the tower stack, puzzles or 100s of cars and trains there are now many balls, many cups, many bowls with many wooden bricks and many rings than could go onto a tower stick but could also be used for... Well, be creative! I also put the crayons away because he COULD BE as creative as Antek with them, but in the creche he has already been TAUGHT what to do with them but isn't really keen yet (apart from those 5 minutes once a week when the walls get a new artistic touch).
You might realise the excessive use of the word MANY there. That's right. All that kids need in their second year is just a great number of those toys they have been playing with in the first year. They want:
- put things on top of each other
- put things into each other (and see what fits where)
- (re)arrange things
- empty and fill and refill and refill cups or bowls
- push things
- move things
- climb into things (apart from Leander)
- Walk around pulling toys
- be flexible and creative with what is there
Our living room now looks like the room in the playgroup we go to. But that's wonderful, it feels right and harmonious. I can't wait to go and pick up Leander from the creche, take him home and give him back the quality of free play. Most of us haven't experienced it and are lacking qualities such as joy of exploration, concentration, focus and attention span (see also Janet Lansbury's post on this here)
I want my son at least to have the chance of building up those qualities.
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